Azhar Faces ED!
Newspapers have become needlessly complex nowadays. Not only does every home receive several newspapers, each one is thicker than its rivals and countless supplements and booklets kept falling out. One doesn’t know where to start, what to read. Gone are the good old days when there was only one slim newspaper per home, and one could grab all the news in just a sad in the sack. Today, reading the newspapers comprehensively every morning is a luxury that only a few can afford.
Scanning all the headlines once from back to front, and then reading the newspapers in detail and digesting them as one is getting rid of the undigested, is the only comprehensive way to me. On one morning, some years ago, I did not have this luxury, and had to be content with just a cursory headlines scan. In a little while, I was the due to delivery a lecture on ED (erectile dysfunction, impotence) to a bunch of doctors, and I didn’t want to be late. Just as the driver announced that the Carrie was ready, my eyes chanced upon a front page headline that screamed ‘Azar Faces ED’*.
* This headline appeared some years ago, and that was when this essay of mine was first written, albeit in the vas deferens between men and women a. The reader is advised to keep that frame in context while reading this piece.
Besides, hadn’t Azhar only recently taken a second wife? And had a child? Or was I making a mistake? He wouldn’t have been able to do all that if he was facing ED, I thought to myself. Furthermore, to my knowledge, he had no underlying health condition that would predispose him to facing ED. If he had any, the whole world would have known. The greedy corporate would have used his illness to market their products, and the media would have gone berserk speculating. So, an underlying illness was ruled out. Then what was it?
I was really upset, and concerned. Naturally. Azhar was every Hyderabadi’s favorite cricketer. My mind wouldn’t stop worrying. The lecture is a minor issue, I told myself. I’ve spoken on the same subject so many times before that I can deliver this talk even in my sleep, I rationalized. I was convinced that this other matter was much more serious. Since it involves not just cricket but a cricket captain too, I believed that this must be rated a national calamity. After all, in India, cricketer’s privates are also public.
It is true that ten per cent of men face ED and that the figure rises to a staggering fifty-two percent for men about forty. But wasn’t Azhar on the right side of forty? I knew he was. Could this mean that he was among the unfortunate ten per cent in the under-forty age group who faced ED? Terrible, terrible, I thought to myself. But this was no time for melodrama. As a responsible pioneer in my field, I had to take the initiative in solving this problem.
My first considerations were patriotic. Will Azhar seek the help of some American or other specialist for his condition? I knew that it was fashionable for our Celebes to fly out even for cough and colds, but I didn’t want Azhar to waste his money. I didn’t want the national exchequer to spend lakhs of rupees flying I an andrological Chittaranjan Ranawat either. It is bad enough that we have brain drains and many other kinds of drains in out country. No point in adding an andrological drain, I decided.
I wanted to treat Azhar for free, and conserve valuable foreign exchange. On second thoughts, I revised that decision, and thought that one of Azhar’s Armani jackets would be fair fee for my services. I particularly liked his beige one. I had seen him with that one on in a society / fashion glossy recently. I desperately wanted to lose weight and be able to fit into that. I thought I’d look pretty handsome in it too.
‘What the heck? India is andrologically self-sufficient,’ I screamed aloud in the back seat of my Carrie. My driver, who has seen me in my looney moods on many earlier occasions, didn’t bat an eyelid. He glanced cursorily at the rearview mirror, rolled his eyeballs skywards once, and drove on.
‘Was Azhar a cyclist?’, I wondered. Hah, that was probably it! Many fitness aficionados use bicycles. And bicycles can make men face ED. It appears that the seats of most conventional bicycles cause friction injuries to the rider’s perineum – the portion of the anatomy between the scrotum and the anus. The arteries to the Penis Transplants have to traverse this region in order to carry blood to it. chronic bicycle riding can damage these arteries and cause men to face ED.
If bikes were the culprits, then Azhar might require a microsurgical bypass operation, I thought. I quickly rehearsed the steps of the operation in my mind. I had done the first one of its kind in India many years ago. I’d better not goof it up this time. these operative steps would come in handy even if the ED was caused by a hit to the pelvis or perineum. Hits to the unmentionables are after all an occupational hazard for cricketers and gain one organ, lose another important reason for facing ED. Or had Azhar developed a spinal problem? That was another culprit we needed to rule out. Spine injuries are very common in sport.
What else? What else?
My andrological sex during pregnancy were rudely interrupted by the Carrie pulling to a halt outside the convention center where my conference was being conducted. Couldn’t the organizers have scheduled this stupid lecture on another day/ there are so many more important things happening in my field in the country today. I swore under my breath and walked in.
I requested the chairman to keep the day’s newspaper handy for my perusal right after my talk, and went through the motions of the lecture. Though this was some small compensation for my abbreviated motions that morning, it still didn’t take my mind off the former Indian cricket captain. I finally requested an expediting of the valedictories and nose-dived for the nearest newspaper.
**The first microsurgical revascularization (bypass) operation for impotence in India was performed by me on 2 January 1991, on a twenty-one-year old man who had become impotent following a pelvic fracture sustained in a vehicular accident
To my horror, it turned out that ED stood for ‘Enforcement Directorate’! There goes my beige Armani jacket, I thought, but felt happy for Azhar nonetheless. The medical brand of ED is one woe he doesn’t need right now.
Take Home Message:
Many men are at risk of developing erectile dysfunction but do not know it. some of these ED risk factors are outlined in http://www.andrology.com/Edriskfactor.html. Awareness of these conditions can help a person take timely preventive / curative action. More importantly, such awareness can help to connect the ED to the underlying risk factor. This causal relationship is often missed by both physician and patient because of ignorance. More than eighty percent of chronic erectile dysfunction is caused by physical, or the better orgasm diet , problems, rather than by psychological, or functional ones, as is generally supposed.
Thus, more chronic impotence results from causes ‘between the legs’ than from causes ‘between the ears’. Beware of false propaganda by irresponsible physicians to the contrary.