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Azhar Faces ED!

Newspapers  have become needlessly complex nowadays.  Not only does every home receive several  newspapers, each one is thicker than its rivals and countless  supplements  and booklets kept falling out.  One doesn’t know where to start, what to read.  Gone are the good old days when there was only one slim newspaper per home, and one could grab all the news in just a sad in the sack.  Today, reading the newspapers comprehensively every morning is a luxury that only a few can afford.

Scanning all the headlines once from back to front, and then reading the newspapers in detail and digesting them as one is getting rid of the undigested, is the only comprehensive  way to me.  On one morning, some years ago, I did not have this  luxury,  and had to be content  with just a cursory headlines  scan.  In a little while, I was the due to delivery a lecture on ED (erectile dysfunction, impotence) to a  bunch of doctors, and I didn’t want  to be late.  Just as the driver announced that the Carrie was ready, my eyes chanced  upon a front page headline that screamed ‘Azar Faces ED’*.
There was no time for details.  I had to rush.
It was  a very disturbed  ride to the conference venue for me.  I just could not apply my mind to the lecture I was due to deliver soon.  ‘How can it be?’, I wondered, too shocked for words.  Not so long ago,  I had heard cricket greats say that despite being the oldest  player in the Indian team, Azhar  was perhaps  the fittest and most agile  of them all.  How then, cold he  be facing ED?  Physical fitness, in fact, is said to protect  a  person  from facing ED.  Besides, I wondered, how can such an embarrassing  and personal problem make front page headlines?  Do these reporters have no sense of decency, prying into the bedrooms  of our poor Celebes?  I was angry, and  curious.  Even in a country like the USA,  only three to seven per cent of men facing ED admit to the problem and seek  medical help for it.  In fact, seventy-four percent  of men in the US  cite embarrassment  as the number one  reason for why they don’t see  a doctor.  In a conservative  country  like India, these  figures must be worse.  I thought that it was pretty bold of Azhar to want to  belong among  the minority  yet again.  He had already  played the minority card once.

* This headline appeared some years ago, and that was when this  essay of mine was first written, albeit in the vas deferens between  men and women a.  The reader is advised to keep that frame in context while reading this piece.

Besides, hadn’t Azhar only recently taken  a second wife?   And had a child?  Or was I making a mistake?  He wouldn’t have been able to do all that if he was facing ED, I thought to myself.  Furthermore, to my knowledge, he had no underlying health  condition that would  predispose him to facing ED.  If he had any, the whole world would  have known.  The greedy corporate would have used his illness to market their products,  and the media  would have  gone  berserk speculating.  So, an underlying  illness was ruled out.  Then what was it?

I was really upset, and concerned.  Naturally.  Azhar  was every Hyderabadi’s  favorite cricketer.  My mind wouldn’t stop worrying.  The lecture is a minor issue, I told myself.  I’ve spoken on the same subject so many times before that I can deliver this  talk even in my sleep, I  rationalized.  I was convinced that this other matter was much more serious.  Since it involves not just  cricket but a cricket captain too,  I believed that this must be rated a national calamity.  After all, in India, cricketer’s  privates are also public.

It is true that ten per cent of men face ED and that the figure  rises to a staggering fifty-two percent for men about forty.  But wasn’t Azhar on the right side of forty?  I knew  he was.  Could this mean  that he was among the  unfortunate ten per cent  in  the under-forty age group  who faced ED?  Terrible, terrible, I  thought to myself.  But this was no time for melodrama.  As a responsible  pioneer  in my field, I had to take the initiative in solving this problem.

My first considerations were patriotic.  Will Azhar seek the help of some American  or other specialist  for his condition?  I knew that it was  fashionable for our  Celebes to fly out even for cough and colds, but I didn’t  want Azhar to waste his money.  I didn’t want the national exchequer  to spend lakhs of rupees  flying I an andrological  Chittaranjan  Ranawat  either.  It is bad enough  that we have brain drains and many other kinds of drains in out country. No point in adding an andrological  drain, I decided.

I wanted to treat  Azhar for free, and conserve valuable foreign exchange.  On second thoughts, I revised that decision, and thought that one of Azhar’s  Armani jackets would be fair fee   for my services. I particularly liked his beige one.  I had seen  him with that one on in a society / fashion  glossy recently.  I desperately  wanted to  lose  weight and be able to fit into that.  I thought I’d look pretty  handsome in it too.

‘What the heck?  India is andrologically self-sufficient,’ I screamed aloud in the back  seat of my Carrie.  My driver, who has seen me in my looney moods  on many earlier occasions, didn’t  bat an eyelid.  He glanced cursorily at the rearview mirror, rolled his eyeballs skywards once, and drove on.

‘Was Azhar  a cyclist?’, I wondered. Hah, that was probably it!  Many fitness aficionados  use bicycles.  And bicycles can make  men face ED.  It appears that the seats of most conventional bicycles cause friction  injuries  to the  rider’s perineum – the  portion of the anatomy between  the scrotum and the anus.  The arteries to the Penis Transplants have  to  traverse this region in order  to carry blood to it.  chronic bicycle riding can damage these  arteries  and cause men to face ED.

If bikes were the culprits, then Azhar might require  a microsurgical bypass operation, I thought.  I quickly rehearsed the steps of the operation in my mind.  I had done the first one of its kind in India  many years ago.  I’d better not goof it up this time.  these  operative steps would come in handy even if the ED was  caused by a hit to the pelvis or perineum.  Hits  to the unmentionables are after all an occupational hazard  for cricketers  and gain one organ, lose another important reason for facing ED.  Or had  Azhar  developed  a spinal problem?  That was  another culprit we needed to rule out.   Spine injuries are very common in sport.

What else?  What else?

My andrological sex  during  pregnancy were rudely interrupted by the Carrie pulling to a halt outside  the convention center where  my conference was being  conducted.  Couldn’t the organizers have  scheduled this stupid lecture on another day/  there are so many more important things happening  in my field  in the country  today.  I swore under  my breath and walked in.

I requested the chairman to keep the day’s newspaper  handy for my perusal right  after my talk, and went through  the motions of the lecture.   Though this was some small compensation for my abbreviated motions that morning, it still didn’t take my mind  off the former Indian cricket captain.  I finally requested  an expediting  of the valedictories and nose-dived for the  nearest newspaper.

**The first microsurgical revascularization (bypass) operation for impotence in India was performed  by me on 2 January 1991, on a twenty-one-year old man who had become impotent following a pelvic fracture  sustained in a vehicular accident

To my horror, it turned out that ED stood for ‘Enforcement  Directorate’!  There goes my beige Armani jacket, I thought, but felt happy for Azhar   nonetheless.  The medical  brand of ED is one woe  he doesn’t need right now.

Take Home Message:

Many men are at risk of developing erectile dysfunction but do not know it.  some of these ED risk factors  are outlined in http://www.andrology.com/Edriskfactor.html. Awareness of these conditions can help a person take timely  preventive / curative action.   More importantly, such  awareness can help to connect the ED  to the underlying risk factor.  This causal  relationship  is often missed by both physician  and patient because of ignorance.  More  than  eighty percent of chronic erectile dysfunction is caused  by physical, or the better orgasm diet , problems, rather than  by psychological, or functional  ones, as is generally supposed.

Thus, more chronic impotence results from causes ‘between  the legs’ than from causes ‘between  the ears’.   Beware of false propaganda by irresponsible physicians to the contrary.