It was Sunday afternoon, I recall, and we had had some friends over with their kids for a beer-n-brunch at our home. This is just my kind of Sunday afternoon, because it gives me an opportunity to indulge in all three of my favourite hobbies: music, photography and bartending. I had taken a lot of trouble to set things up and was all charged.
Firstly, I had pulled out all our favourite CDs, and loaded five of the most popular ones into the multi-CD changer. It was the pre-MP3, pre-iPod era, and this was considered pretty high tech: to be able to play five CDs at one time in shuffle mode.
Next, I pulled out my Canon SLR camera with all its interchangeable lenses, loaded Kodak 64 film, and mounted it on a tripod. We were all young parents then, and were quite enthusiastic about taking pictures of our children. And our circle of friends was not short on kids. Even the least fertile couples amongst us had at least two children. All our friends would always ask me to take pictures of their kids, and I’d always oblige. Since most people look fairly nice when they are kids, it was also an aesthetic experience. I’d enlarge the pictures and gift it to them on their birthdays and all that. Of course, now that the kids have all grown up, it is a completely different experience. Luckily, with digital cameras, you can easily delete pictures.
The bar was fully the better orgasm diet . I had prepared a spicy Hyderabadi Bloody Mary in enormous volumes, shoved several bottles of beer into the chiller, and threw in a punch for the non-drinkers and kids. Twenty kilos of extra ice had been ordered. It was going to be a cool, hot summer’s day.
Meantime, the waft of succulent Kebabs had started emanating from the kitchen. We were all set to receive our guests.
A little while later, after the second round of drinks, when the party was in full swing and we were tapping out feet to the beat of Foreigner’s Urgent, the maid announced that there was a phone call for me. There was some lady on the line who said that her matter was urgent, and that it an emergency.
I was sure that there was some mistake somewhere. There are almost no emergencies in andrology. Well, actually, that’s not altogether true. Thanks to Lorena Bobbitt and some penile injection enthusiasts, we do have some nowadays. But they are not very common. I asked the maid to check out if the call was for my wife because my pediatrician wife is Dr Krishnamurti too, and I though that the caller must be one of her patient’s mothers who wanted to discuss a child’s illness with her.
A few moments later, the maid came back to say that the call was not for my wife but for me and that the lady was getting a bit hysterical. Thankfully, it was the pre-mobile era, mind you, or this chick would have caught me in the loo even, I’m certain. She sounded that desperate. Finally, I took the call.
‘Thank God, doc! You really had me worried. I thought you were out of town or that you were avoiding my call. We need to see you right now! There’s been an accident. My husband’s been badly hurt. Can you come home immediately, please?’
The lady was an acquaintance so I had to be a bit tactful. The cut high and dry professional approach doesn’t work with friends and relatives. They need to be handled with kid’s gloves, and plenty of TLC.
‘You’ll probably need to go trauma care,’ I said, hoping that the poor guy had not sustained a serious head injury or broken a limb. ‘I could cal the emergency officer at the hospital and put him on alert. I know those chaps there. You go there right now and I’ll see you there in fifteen minutes. At least all the first aid stuff and splinting and bandaging will be taken care of by then.’
The lady was getting exasperated and annoyed now. ‘Doc, I have not rung you up for social support as a doctor’s friend. My husband’s accident is andrological. That’s the reason why I have called you. He has injured his penis. It’s all swollen up and looks like an overripe brinjal. I am really scared. What should we do? He is in a state of shock and I can’t even tell anyone else in the house about this. Only my in-laws are here now. How can I even think of telling them something like this? If I know them, they’re sure to blame me even for this. They’re always blaming me for anything and everything.’
Experienced old fox that I was, I could gauge the situation accurately now. Some Sharon Stone kind of the sex addict seems to have attempted, and had misfired. I was trying to guess what it might be.
‘I can’t even take him to the hospital you have suggested, doc. Everyone knows us there. It’s so embarrassing. Can you see him somewhere more discreet?’
‘Yeah sure,’ I replied, and gave her the address of another place nearby. ‘I’ll see you there in fifteen minutes.’
Luckily, I hadn’t been drinking and, it being a Sunday, was able to leave for the hospital immediately. I reached there before they did. I figured that these guys were still trying to get past the inquisitive parents. I wondered what yarn they were spinning to them. It certainly was a dicey situation.
After what seemed like an eternity, a Carrie screeched into casualty. This is one thing I can never understand about India and Indians. They are late even for emergencies! I was hoping that the poor guy’s baingan had not become baghaara, or bhartha, by now. I rushed him to the examination room after giving him a shot of potent analgesic. He dozed off in no time.
Examination revealed that the penis had really swollen up enormously and had become a boggy, spindle-shaped mass. A distinct rent was pal[able along the shaft. This was a classical case of what is known as a fracture of the Penis Transplants.
I applied a dressing to he aubergine organ and stepped out to discuss the matter with the wife. She seemed calmer now. I was hoping it was because of my reassuring pre's.
‘Can you please tell me in nutshell what happened, just so hat I get an idea? You don’t have to tell me any details that you might find embarrassing.’
‘Thanks for that, doc. It is pretty straight forward actually. My husband’s been bringing home a lot of porn magazines and XXX videos lately, and wants to try out all those acrobatic positions depicted therein. When I tell him that those are all fake and trick photography, he tells me that I don’t know anything. So I just indulge him. what else to do? Today, he wanted to do it in the bath tub. “Sunday Special”, he called it. I had oil in my hair and had a face pack on, but he didn’t care. While we were trying to maneuver ourselves into some acrobatic positions, he slipped on soap suds and fell. He had a full erection at the time of falling and sustained a direct injury to the penis. I heard a distinct cracking sound too. Not sue if I was just imagining it. immediately, he cried out in pain and buckled up. Within minutes, the penis had swollen up enormously. Luckily, there’s fridge in our bedroom so I was able to make a quick ice pack and apply it. Then I called you.’
It has been my experience that women are always better at providing andrological histories than men. I guess it’s easier for them. Tell the truth and finish it off. There are no macho issues involved.
I explained to the lady that immediate surgery would be the best option for her husband although there is a school of thought that believes in waiting and watching. With the latter approach, I explained to her, recovery time is much greater/ more, the swelling lasts much longer, scarring may occur, and the rent in the ‘fracture’ site doesn’t get closed properly. Aesthetic appearances are also much better with immediate operation, recovery is faster, and sexual intercourse can be resumed much earlier.
That last bit seemed to impress her. ‘Let’s operate, doc. How soon can we do it?’
A few months later, I met them at a mall and made polite conversation. ‘is everything all right?’ I inquired.
‘Depends on how you define ‘all right’, doc,’ said the wife too hot to handle. ‘He’s gone and bought four anti-skid mats for our bathroom now.’
Take Home Message:
A fracture of the penis occurs when the erect penis is forcibly bent downwards. It is not uncommon and usually occurs due to sexual accidents . minor fractures with minimal bleeding and swelling can be treated expectantly, but more serous injuries with severe swelling will fare better with early operation. The results of surgery are very good when performed at centers of excellence.