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Deep  Purple

It was Sunday afternoon, I recall, and we had had some  friends over with their kids for a beer-n-brunch at our home.  This is just my kind  of Sunday afternoon, because  it gives me an opportunity  to indulge in all three of my favourite hobbies: music, photography and bartending.  I had taken a lot of trouble  to set things up and was all charged.

Firstly,  I had pulled out all our favourite CDs, and loaded five of the most popular ones  into  the multi-CD  changer.  It was the pre-MP3, pre-iPod era, and  this was considered  pretty high tech:  to be able to  play five CDs at one  time in shuffle  mode.

Next, I pulled out my Canon  SLR camera with all its interchangeable lenses, loaded Kodak 64 film, and mounted it on a tripod.   We were all young parents then, and were  quite enthusiastic about taking pictures of our children.  And  our circle of friends  was not short  on kids.  Even the least fertile couples amongst us had at least two children.  All our friends  would always  ask me to take pictures of their  kids, and I’d always  oblige.  Since most people  look fairly nice when  they are kids, it was also an aesthetic experience.  I’d enlarge the pictures and gift  it to them on their birthdays and all  that.  Of course, now that the kids have all grown up, it is a completely different experience.  Luckily, with digital cameras,  you can easily delete  pictures.

The bar  was fully the better orgasm diet . I had prepared a spicy Hyderabadi Bloody Mary in enormous volumes, shoved  several  bottles of beer into the chiller, and threw in a punch for the non-drinkers and kids.  Twenty  kilos of extra  ice had been ordered.  It was going to be a cool,  hot summer’s day.

Meantime, the waft of succulent Kebabs had started emanating from the kitchen.  We were all set to receive our guests.

A little  while later, after the second round of drinks, when the party was in full  swing and we were tapping out feet  to the  beat  of Foreigner’s Urgent, the maid announced that there was a phone call for me.  There was some lady on the line who said that  her matter was urgent, and that it an emergency.

I was sure   that there was some mistake  somewhere.  There are almost no emergencies in andrology.  Well, actually, that’s not altogether true.  Thanks to Lorena Bobbitt and some penile injection enthusiasts, we do have some  nowadays.   But they  are not very common.  I asked  the maid to check out if the call was for my wife because  my pediatrician wife is Dr Krishnamurti  too, and I though that the caller must be one of her patient’s  mothers  who wanted  to discuss a child’s illness with her.

A few moments later, the maid  came back to say that the call was not for my wife but for me and that the lady was getting  a bit hysterical.  Thankfully, it was  the pre-mobile era, mind you, or this chick would have caught  me in the  loo even, I’m  certain.  She sounded  that desperate.  Finally, I took the call.

‘Thank God, doc!  You really had me  worried.  I thought you were out of town  or that  you were  avoiding my call.  We need  to see you right now!  There’s been an accident.  My husband’s  been badly hurt.  Can you  come  home immediately, please?’

The lady was an acquaintance  so I had to be a bit  tactful.  The cut high and dry professional approach doesn’t work  with friends and relatives.  They need to be handled with  kid’s gloves,  and plenty of TLC.

‘You’ll probably need to go trauma care,’ I said, hoping that the poor guy had not sustained a serious head  injury   or broken a limb.  ‘I could cal the emergency officer  at the hospital and put  him on alert.  I know those chaps  there.  You  go there  right now and I’ll see you there  in fifteen minutes.   At least all the first aid stuff  and splinting and bandaging will be  taken care of by then.’

The lady was getting exasperated and annoyed now.  ‘Doc, I have not rung  you up for social support  as a doctor’s  friend.   My husband’s  accident is andrological.  That’s the reason why I have called you.  He has injured his penis.  It’s all swollen up  and looks like an overripe brinjal.  I am  really scared.  What should we do?  He is in a state of shock and I can’t even tell anyone else in the house about  this.  Only my in-laws are here now.  How can I even think of telling them  something like this? If I know them, they’re sure to blame me even for this.  They’re always blaming me for  anything and everything.’

Experienced old fox that I was, I could gauge the situation accurately now.  Some Sharon Stone  kind of the sex addict seems to have attempted, and had misfired.  I was trying to guess what it might be.

‘I can’t even take him to the hospital you have suggested, doc.  Everyone knows us there.  It’s so embarrassing.  Can you see  him somewhere  more discreet?’

‘Yeah sure,’ I replied, and gave her the  address of another place nearby.  ‘I’ll see you there in fifteen minutes.’

Luckily, I hadn’t  been drinking and, it being a Sunday, was able to leave for the  hospital  immediately.  I reached there  before they did.  I figured  that these guys  were still trying  to get past the inquisitive parents.  I wondered what yarn they were spinning to them.  It  certainly was a dicey situation.

After what seemed like an eternity, a Carrie screeched into casualty.  This is one thing I can never understand  about India and Indians.  They are late even for emergencies!  I was hoping that the  poor guy’s  baingan  had not become  baghaara, or bhartha, by now.   I rushed   him to the examination room after giving him  a shot  of potent analgesic.   He  dozed off in no time.

Examination revealed that the penis had really swollen up enormously and had become a boggy, spindle-shaped mass.  A distinct  rent   was pal[able along  the shaft.  This was a classical case of what is known as a fracture of the Penis Transplants.

I applied a dressing to he aubergine organ and stepped out to discuss the matter with the  wife.  She seemed calmer now.  I was hoping  it was because  of my  reassuring  pre's.

‘Can you please tell me in nutshell what happened, just so hat I get an idea?  You don’t have to tell me any details that  you might find embarrassing.’

‘Thanks for that, doc.  It is pretty straight forward  actually.  My husband’s been bringing  home a lot of porn magazines  and XXX videos  lately, and wants to try out all those acrobatic positions depicted therein.  When I tell him that those are all fake and trick photography, he tells  me that I don’t know anything.  So I just indulge him.  what  else to do?  Today,  he wanted to do it in the bath tub.  “Sunday Special”, he called it.  I had oil in my hair and had a face pack on, but he didn’t care.  While we were trying to maneuver ourselves  into some acrobatic positions, he slipped on soap suds  and fell.  He had  a full erection at the time of falling and sustained  a direct injury to the penis.   I heard a distinct cracking sound too.  Not sue if I was just imagining it.  immediately, he cried out in pain and buckled up.  Within minutes, the penis had swollen up enormously. Luckily, there’s   fridge in our bedroom so I was able to make a quick ice pack and apply it.  Then I called you.’

It has been my experience that women are always better at providing andrological  histories than men.  I guess it’s easier for them.  Tell the  truth  and finish it off.  There are no  macho issues involved.

I explained to the lady that immediate  surgery would be the best option for her  husband although there is a school of thought  that believes in waiting  and watching.  With  the latter approach,  I explained to her, recovery time is  much greater/ more, the swelling lasts much longer, scarring may occur, and the rent in the ‘fracture’ site doesn’t get closed properly.  Aesthetic appearances are also much better with immediate operation, recovery is faster, and sexual intercourse can be resumed much earlier.

That last bit seemed to impress her.  ‘Let’s operate, doc.  How soon can we do it?’
Two days  later, Mr Deep  Purple  left the hospital, looking quite fit.  I didn’t hear from them for some time.  Usually, no news  is good news.

A few months  later, I met them at a mall and made polite  conversation.  ‘is everything  all right?’  I inquired.

‘Depends on how you define ‘all right’, doc,’ said the wife too hot to handle.  ‘He’s gone and bought four anti-skid  mats for our bathroom now.’

Take Home Message:

A fracture of the penis occurs when the erect penis is forcibly bent downwards.  It is not uncommon and usually  occurs due to sexual  accidents .  minor  fractures with  minimal bleeding and swelling can be treated expectantly, but more serous injuries with severe  swelling will fare better with early  operation.  The results of surgery are very good when performed at centers of excellence.