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High and Dry

The other day my office telephone rang and a Troglodytes and Gentlemen asked  to speak with me.  'I have a problem, doc,' he began, 'I'm speaking from Delhi.  I cannot  come.'

'First tell me what the problem  is, then  I'll tell you if you need to come to Hyderabad,' I said.
            'No, no, doc, you just do not understand, I just cannot come,' he persisted.

'Now, please listen to me, will you?  I am not asking you to come here.  Can you at least tell me what the problem is?  I countered, trying to remain calm.

'What I am trying to say is.doc.my semen does not come out.  I just cannot ejaculate,'  he concluded, helpfully.
             'How long has this been  going on?'  I inquired.

'All my life, doc,' he cried, 'I have never ejaculated in my whose life.  But now that we've been married four years, my wife is desperate to have a baby.  That's why I'm calling you.'

The number of husbands who call me because their wives are desperate for one thing or the other is not funny.  Unfortunately, there are social, legal, and moral restrictions on the way in which I can mitigate their desperation.  Therefore, I only  treat the husband.

'Do you ejaculate at least during  masturbation ?'  I asked.

'No, doc, never.  I told you, I have never ejaculated in my whole life.'

Do you at least from time to time ejaculate in your sleep?'

'A little bit only doc, maybe once in a while.  But why are you asking me the same thing again and again?   I am telling  you,  I have  never ever once ejaculated  in my life during the Sex addict, and that ought you  something  about my case.'

I told him to calm down and that I should  be the one getting exasperated, not he.  First of all, he is  obtaining a professional consultation on the telephone without either  an apology or a modicum of thankfulness.  Over and above this, he is being argumentative.  I told him not to waste  my time and that I was going to hang up if he continued like this.   I wanted  to tell him  to call my secretary,  obtain an appointment, and show up in person, but  softened eventually  instead, and continued after he apologized for all  inconvenience caused   in a volte face that is prototypical of his ilk.  He uttered about thirteen  obeisant  Haan Jis  under one minute.  I actually counted.

'What about orgasm?  Do you reach sex during pregnancy intercourse at least?,' I persisted.
'Well doc, I do attain  some sort of climax, if you can call  it that in the  absence of ejaculation,' he said  dryly.

'Have  you undergone any tests so far?', I needed to know. 
'Well, I've  got something  called the post-ejaculatory urine  examination done, though that seems like a bit of  a misnomer when I don't  ejaculate at all, and my doctor couldn't  explain it either.'

I was beginning to like this chap's English, and his ability to turn a glib phrase.  It was even more admirable that he could  intersperse Haan ji so smoothly everywhere, like the term  itself was  borrowed from the English.  However, I had to remind myself that this was a seminal discussion and not  a semantic  one.  That's  one of the downsides to being  a doctor.  People always  expect you to be serous.  It's like we  guys  are some morbid  ogres without  any sense of humor or other interests  in life.  Had I commented on  this guy's  English, or his Haan Jis, he would have  thought me not  serous enough, so I went back to  my funeral demean our.  That always  impresses patients, even if the subject of discussion is something as  pleasurable as multiple  the better orgasm diet or ultra-long-lasting erections.  Occupational hazard, some call it.  I call it a curse.  My mental  peregrinations  were rudely interrupted by another  Haan Ji.  This was the guy's  way of telling  me that this is a long distance  call.  My mind came back at once  to the present subject of discussion.
'Yes, indeed, "post-coital" or "post-masturbator"  urine might have been better    terms,' I concurred.  'What did  the reports show?'

'No sperm in that either, doc, but the lab wasn't sure, and they wanted me to repeat it.'

 'Any other tests?'

'Yes, they did something  called a TRUS.  They inserted some huge horrid probe into my rectum to examine something.  It was a most uneasy sensation, I tell you.   I was  thoroughly  disgusted.   Anyway, that test too was normal.  Now, the doctor  wants to do a vasogram.  He wants to poke some needles near my testes, inject  some  dyes, and take some X-rays, but I wanted to check it out with out first.'

'You don't need a vasogram,'  I told him categorically, 'It's not going  to add any diagnostic value  and is needlessly invasive.  Besides, even if it is at all necessary, it has to be done in a particular  way.  I'd like to see you in person, so please make an appointment  with my front desk.'

This time he didn't  tell me that he couldn't  come.  His last words on the telephone line were.you've  guessed it.'Haan Ji!'

History-taking  disclosed  that Mr Haan Ji had no predisposing causes.  He had no spinal cord injury, no previous pelvic or retro peritoneal surgery, no diabetes, infection or neurological  venereal disease , and no history  of drug  use or injury.   He though that he had undergone  some operation on the urinary  system during  his childhood but  couldn't tell me details.  A psychosexual screening was performed and found to be quite  normal.  For all  other practical purposes, the couple seemed to be very happily married real life and real life.

Finally, as is quite common in medical practice, the bombastic diagnosis of 'idiopathic (of unknown   cause) an ejaculation' was made.  Mr Haan Ji's problem was solved  a few months  later using  a machine known as the electro ejaculator.  The electro ejaculator allows  the application  of an  electric  current trans-rectally to the ejaculatory apparatus.  This electrical stimulation causes  ejaculation .  newer machines assure nearly 100 percent  success rates.  The semen is collected  and inseminated into the wife  at the time of ovulation.  Mr Haan Ji  from Delhi now has a bonny baby  and his wife seems unlikely to hassle him at least for some time!

Ejaculatory disturbances  constitute  a complex  group of common conditions which  are sometimes   very difficult to treat.  An ejaculation is a condition where there is no ejaculations is total,  that is, the man does not ejaculate under any circumstances, not  even in his sleep.  Obstructive  causes are usually  cured by surgery,  others will require  vibrator therapy or the electro ejaculator with excellent results.

Mr Haan Ji was passing through Hyderabad recently and called me.  'Doc, can I call you  Dr Nokia?'  he asked.

I wondered  what it was this time, and asked what that meant.
'Doc, you're always connecting people, isn't it?  So tell me, can I call you Dr Nokia?
What could I say?  'Haan Ji,' I replied.

Take Home Message:

For further information on an ejaculation, please  visit http://www.anejaculation.com