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 Penis Transplants

In clinical practice, doctors often encounter  a distinct sub-populations of patients who think they know it all.  These patients have such strong  pre-men can be curvaceous too notions about and why they have not treated themselves   and got cured.  These  patients don't  come to ask you about their problem.  They come instead to tell, even teach you, about it.  In the interesting field of andrology, one often hears patients proffering convoluted and irrational explanation for their sexual condition.  Like one guy was  telling me how masturbation acts  with the right hand has  caused his penis to bend to the right.   Another chap explained how lying on his tummy and rubbing his  penis on the mattress has caused the penis to become thin and weak.Yet another fellow tried to convince me that  his nocturnal emissions (loss of semen by ejaculation  during sleep ) have caused him to fail in all his exams  for five consecutive years!

There's no point telling these men anything to contrary.  We doctors are supposed to simply accept their theories of causation and their self-made  diagnoses, and merely do what we are told, viz. fix the problem!  That's all they want.  They don't  want us pontificating about the etiopathogenesis (etiology + pathogenesis) of their condition, about which they think we know buzz all nothing.  To some of these  people, I am, after all, just an allopathic physician.  What  would I know  about the centuries' old wisdom of traditional system of medicine?

I know only too well how to handle these types.  Over the  years, I've  learnt, and evolved  my own methodology.  So, here's  how one consultation went  one after noon:

'Doctor  Krishnamurti ,' this guy began, 'my click has become damn small.  I think  it is all those years of masturbation and womanizing.'

'How do you know how small is small?'  I asked him,  deliberately ignoring his theories  of causation for reasons outlined.

'I'm telling you, doc.  I just know,' he replied.
'Has  anybody told you this?  How many penises have you seen?'  I countered.
That took him a bit unawares.  'Ah well, huh.a few,' he conceded.
'How many of these penises were real and how many were pictures in porn magazines and films?' I shot next.

He looked quite taken aback and wondered how I could so astutely  read his mind.  I had found my opening.  'Have you ever measured it, your penis I mean, with a ruler or tape?'  I persisted.  He confessed that he never had.  'Then  how do you know  that yours is small?  Don't you need  to have objective measurements?  Penis size  is like height, or waist size, you see.  One has to measure it.  it can't be conjectural.'

'All I know is that, compared to all those pictures and photographs, mine seems really very small,' he managed, finally getting slightly  on the defensive.  I loved this.

'Has your partner ever told you this?'
'Yes, she has, and it is humiliating,'  he admitted sheepishly. 

I saved him the embarrassment of asking how his partner knew about such on the fast guys and other seminal matters.  'Now listen to me,' I continued,  'I've  seen thousands of penises in my life, right from the time I was a kid ina  hostel.  I've seen penises of the young,  the not so young, and the old.  I've  seen Caucasian and other white penises, black penises, oriental  yellow penises, and Asian brown  penises, not to mentions penises of mulattos and others hybrids.  I've not just seen them.  I have actually measured many of them.  So, I ought to know what's normal, what's extra large, and what's small.  Right?  Do you agree?'

By now, his  eyeballs were popping with awe, as if to convey that any  man who has seen and measured so many penises must be truly awesome.  I badgered on.  'Therefore, now  you show  me yours and I'll size it up and tell you once for all if you make the grade or not.  C'mon here, and lemme take a look.'

Mr Dick  stepped forward gingerly, dropped his pants for a dekko, and gave me a 'See, I told you' kind of look.  I could  barely see the  tip of his penis beyond the enormous apron of fat that overhung  it.  I pulled out a ruler from my drawer, measured whatever penis was visible, and made a note on a pad.  I then asked Mr Dick to heave his fatty apron up with both hands  and hold it there.  A segment of penis that was twice as long as  the tip we'd seen earlier came into view.  I pulled out my ruler again,  measured the penis, and  wrote the measurements beside the first one.  Dick just stood there holding his belly fat.  It was then that I realized that his paunch was so huge that he couldn't  even see his own penis.  He was oblivious to what I was seeing and  measuring.  It was like it was happening on someone else's body.  Next, I pushed the ruler into the flesh of his pubis, deep up to the bone, and took a third measurement.  Then I pulled out the camera  from my drawer, captured shots of all three measurements, and  showed him the pictures.

'Unless there is some injury  or fibrosing disease that causes the penis to lose length, a man's penis size, in both length and girth, usually remains pretty much constant through  his adult real life and real life,'  I explained.  However, there is something like a real length and something like an apparent length.  The  real  length of the penis is the measurement from this  bone to the tip  of the penis.  When a man puts on weight, the  penis gets buried in fat, and much of its length  can become invisible.  This is called apparent shortening.  If the man sheds that  fat, or has it removed surgically, that invisible length will become  visible again.  Therefore, it is important for you to understand that you   have not really  lost any penile length.' 


            He swallowed, still skeptical.

I then  took him to the window of my office and asked him to peep at the cards  at the parked on the road below.  I explained to him how the cards seem to be smaller than they actually are because of the height and distance from which they are being viewed, and that a somewhat analogous phenomenon comes into play when a man looks  at his penis in the standing position.

Mr Dick looked fleetingly relieved, and then became  grumpy  again  immediately.   It had  just sunk into his head  that the onus  was now on him to shed weight and salvage his buried treasure.  The poor guy had probably come to me looking  for some shortcut or miracle

'But can't you do a quick operation doc and simultaneously remove all the fat  as well as lengthen the penis?  I understand that there are  operations for penis  lengthening and enlargement too.'

Some colloquial phrases  from my Mumbai medical college days came to mind.  'Aree, halwaa hai kya?'  (roughly  translated, this means something  like, 'Do you think this is a piece of cake?').  but I left them unsaid.  Instead, I said, 'It's not that simple.  The fat that I remove is liable to recur if you are not watchful, and the lengthening operation itself is fraught with complications.  Girth enhancement is even more controversial.  In general, this kind of surgery is not recommended by experts, especially  for the  greedy.  This is the international consensus at the moment.  However, sometimes, we do offer this to the needy  one who are  unfortunate to have a really small penis, as opposed to an apparently small one, like in your case.'

Dick looked deflated.  All his dreams of becoming a Rasputin  overnight had  crushed in an instant.  'Is there no other way?'  he persisted.

This was the moment I was waiting for:  to explain to him my newest andrological innovation.

'yes, there are other ways,'  I began, with a very serious mien, 'the results with these newer techniques are extraordinary, but  there is a slight  downside.  The penis may not look 100 percent natural.  That, however, might be just a small price to pay for the quite amazing stuff  you getin return.'

Mr Dick sat up.  Anything which required him to do nothing, but yielded great results, seemed to be instantly appealing to him.  'Tell me all  about it, doc.  This is probably just the thing I might finally  opt for. I guess I have to compromise somewhere or the other, no matter what treatment I choose.  A "slight downside"  sounds really okay.  I don't mind that at all.'

'We have new penis transplant options available to us today.  You can choose from between  a horse penis, a dog penis, a donkey penis, and a buffalo penis.  Other  animal penis options haven't been thoroughly  researched yet.  We're   working on some at the moment.  But even with  just these,  you can add many, many inches to your manhood in just a few hours.'

Dick's face lit up like the aurora borealis.  I figured that in his mind he was already mounting some  beautiful mare that was writhing  in the throes  of heat.  All his studly fantasies were finally about to come true.

I went on to make his sexual sublimations even more sublime.
'Aah, and yes, there's one more unbelievable option  that's almost ready now for clinical trials in humans.  I've been refining it for the last few years.  If this works in the long term, it might turn  to be the most revolutionary  medical advance of the millennium.  All my hopes of a Nobel Prize  in medicine rest on this   ingenious one.  Would you like  to volunteer?

'Depends, doc.  Why not?  I just might want to give it a shot.   But first tell me more.'
Dick's phallic greed appeared insatiable.

'This new option is an elephant's trunk,'  I told him.  'Researchers believe that an elephant's  trunk can perform several other amazing functions in addition to just being a copulatory organ.  Just think of the mind-boggling possibilities.  Apart from stimulating your partner to tumultuous orgasms via ever orifice, you could even water plants,  pluck fruits  off a  tree, throttle an enemy, and   maybe even deliver your own baby.the possibilities are limitless.  It'll even carry  shopping  bags, push trolleys, and nab pickpockets.  Only it hasn't been perfected yet.'

Dick made up his mind faster than I had anticipated and said 'Yes' to the clinical  trial.  It seemed  that he was willing to go to any length for a few inches  more.

'That's wonderful!' I said, clapping my hands.  'Let me explain further before I enroll you.  The only slight  downside with all these  operations is that you will have to sacrifice your existing  penis.    It has to be removed and thrown away or sent to the dissection lab.  Only then do we sew on the elephant trunk.  Of course,, for you I will use an adult male's  trunk  because you are very size conscious, but even after that there are  no guarantees.  The transplanted the better orgasm diet might lose its blood supply which comes from your body.  Die, become black, shrivel up, and might have to be removed surgically.  It you are lucky, it sometimes falls off on its own and you can escape the removal operation.  Of course, in such  sad situations, you will be left with no penis whatsoever.  But you could use a strap-on  dildo.  I have  many large models.   But you don't  look like a man who'll  settle for second  best.   Therefore, you'll have to think carefully and come to a decision   only after  seriously weighing all the pros and cons.'

Dick's face turned purple  first and then a ghostly white.  He was breathing heavily and  had broken into sweat.  He looked like  he was going to faint.  I turned to my desktop and started checking my email as if nothing was happening.  I had seen such responses many times in the past.   I wasn't one bit worried about Dick.  I only turned when I heard him speak again.  He had gotten up, and was now standing

'Thanks for your time, doc. Research is really amazing.  Gimme some time to think about it.  Meantime, could you please put me on to a direction, a good gym, and a personal trainer?'

Any experienced doctor will tell you that we guys in the profession sometimes use unorthodox methods to treat some of out patients.  Maybe, but you'll  have to admit that these methods work!

I'm waiting for Dick to come back sometime soon with an impressive few inches of salvaged penile pride.

Take Home Message:

For further  information on penis lengthening and girth enhancement, and interested reader is referred to  http://www.andrology.com/penisaugmentation.htm