Self Help Is The Best Help
And then there was this young chappie in his early thirties who came to me once. Fidgety and hyperactive he was, with too much surpluses energy, I remember quite vividly. 'I have a most unusual compliant, doc,' he began, without preamble. 'In fact, I think it's kind of like the opposite of the stuff you see in your practice. You see, I want to have sex three to four times a day, but my wife doesn't want to have it more than once or twice a week, at most. To say that I am frustrated is the understatement of the century, doc.
I slowly brought my eyes into focus at a point about two feet behind his head. That's usually what I do when I am concentrating, and thinking hard. It's a vacant, blurry kind of gaze. I was thinking to myself that if this Mr Horny thinks that his is an unusual complaint, then he ain't heard nothing about andrology. Also, I thought, the poor guy is probably clueless that the vas deferens between men and women majority of human males are in the same boat as him
I peered at Mr Horny from over the rim of my spectacles. 'How long has this been an issue?' I wanted to know. Horny thought for a while. 'Actually doc, it all started after the birth of our second child. This was some three years ago. In the early days of our marriage, my wife would be quite enthusiastic about The Sex Addict. She'd take great trouble to look and talk sexy, would call me at my office and try to seduce me, would get quite bold and naughty at the movies and restaurants, was a tigress in bed, and so on. But now, things are so completely different, it's unbelievable. It's like some very bad joke has been played on me. She looks like an unkempt sexless frump most of the time, and is always making some trial excuse or the other to avoid sex. I felt quite humiliated with I realized that, on a couple of occasions, I was actually begging her unbelievable. It's almost like she tricked me into having sex with give a damn. She might as well have gotten herself some sperms from bank instead of using me like a sperm donor. The irony is that sperm donors get paid for sperms. Here, it's the other way around. I'm the sucker who's paying for everything. I'm screwed every which way but literally.'
For a moment, my mind went back to my own life, to the time just after our own second child. I shuddered at the memory, and hastily came back to the present. In just those nanoseconds, my forehead was dotted with beads of cold sweat, and Mr Horny was quick to notice it. 'You're sweating, doc,' he observed immediately. 'But it's quite cold here. Are you okay?' I mock-cleared my throat like they do in Hindi movies, and hastily changed the subject. 'Why don't you bring your wife along for a chat?' I suggested, 'I', sure that she too has a point of view on this.' Mr Horny looked doubtful , but finally agreed. The next day both of them came in to see me
'Ma'am, do you know what your husband was here to see me about yesterday?'
he's got sex on his mind all the bl**** time. Any time is sex time for him, whereas I'm not always in the mood for it. It's like he's chimpanzee or something. He wakes up in the morning, and want to have sex. He wakes up in the middle of the night, and he wants to have sex. He's just had sex a little while ago, and he wants to have sex again. It's quite frightening actually, that he can't seem to think of anything else. Is it normal to be like this, or is this what they call sex mania? Aren't men in their thirties supposed to be absorbed with their work? Even as 'just' a housewife, I have so much to do. I have two children to look after, servants to supervise, the phone and the doorbell never stop ringing etc. etc., but he just wants to shut the bedroom door all the time and have quickies.
I thought to myself that she was lucky that Mr Horny at least cared to shut the bedroom door before embarking on his favourite activity. I was trying to imagine the children and the servants trooping into Horny's bedroom during the act. It was an interesting picture. Horny's wife interrupted my reverie rudely.
'It's not like I', frigid or something, doc. I do enjoy sex, and care about my husband enjoying sex too, but surely there's more to life that just f****.ooops, I mean sex, all the time. Why can't he realize this? I'm surprised that men like him plan the futures of large corporation. How can he have any time to think of the company will be screwed, to borrow a phrase from men's lingo.
I wanted to tell her that her husband was in the elite club of not just corporate presidents, but some American presidents too, but thought that it might be calamitous to do so at this juncture. The lady was enraged enough already. 'Besides, he doesn't do anything to build up desire in me. It wasn't like this before. There was a lot of love and affection in the air, tons of tenderness and romance, and oodles of foreplay too. Nothing like that exists any more. So, nowadays, I'm neither always ready for sex during pregnancy , nor do I always enjoy it. I've had enough of this.'
I then turned to Horny and asked if he had anything to say in this defence about all this. Looking like a goat that's being led to the slaughterhouse, he started at this fingernails, and scratched the back of his head. I was reminded of Zybyskov in the film, Amar ,Akar, Anthony. 'Okay doc, may be she's not altogether wrong, but what's the solution? Am I supposed to turn celibate or castrate myself at this age?' he was impatient to know, as if all this other discussion was just a waste of time. As far as he was concerned , returning his sex life to its pristine glory was the singular purpose of his visit. This guy certainly had a one-tract mind.
Though there are notable exceptions to the contrary, that is, wives not getting as much sex as they want from their partners, mismatched libidos usually follow the Hornies' pattern. It's a testosterone-related thing, and men in the peak of their passage to manhood years will have sex on their mind much of the time . The trick is to admit to the situation, talk about it openly, and work towards mutually acceptable adjustments. One fair method is for both man and wife to come half-way (no, I don't mean 'interrupt your orgasms') - the man should be ready to accept a little less sex after a heart attack, and the woman should be ready for a bit more. Sex needn't always be a hundred percent 'Come Together' phenomenon. Sometimes, it is all right to pleasure one's partner, even if one isn't in he mood for sex oneself. If there is commitment to monogamy, it is necessary to understand that both partners' need must be met within the context of marriage itself. This includes the right to not have sex. Sex must never be coercive or reluctant. Indelicate handling of the situation at this stage can lead to extramarital affairs or other relationship traumas.
Horny looked at me like all this was easier said than done. This was when I explained to him the age-old formula that many of his predecessors on this planet had used. 'learn to take matters in your own hands,' I told him, and went on to explain the virtues of masturbator release. I illustrated how the closed first is much like a vagina and won't complain if he wants to do it ten or fifteen times. That logic seemed to appeal to him immediately. 'It is a harmless safety valve that'll take your mind off sex for short period and even help you concentrate on some other work,' I reasoned.
I met Horny and his wife at a party recently. They looked happy together. When asked if they'd sorted out their matter, the wife replied, 'yes, thanks do, except that my husband spends a helluva long time I the bathroom nowadays, humming one repetitive old song.
I turned to Mr Horny with eyebrows raised. He winked mischievously and leaned towards my ear for a conspiratorial whisper. 'I made this song up, doc. It is a corruption of the old original by Salma Agha. It goes something like, Dil ke armaan moriyon mein beh gaye' (The desires of the heart have flown down the drains).
Take Home Message:
Libido mismatches among partners are common. It is important to talk about it and to try and work out acceptable solutions. Good communication lines and compromise are of vital importance.