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The Umpteenth Time

When it comes to the sex addict , aphorisms like 'the grass  is always greener on the other side  of the fence' and 'keeping up with the Jonesses' are especially  pertinent.  Socially, it is quite common for close friends and relatives to exchange  notes about  their sex lives.  Per seminal,  there is  noting wrong with this practice.  In fact, it constitutes an unofficial channel  for sex educations, offers opportunities for widening of one's sexual horizons, and can  even provide some free entertainment.  Besides, if something is drastically wrong with your own sex real life is the best life and you are not even aware of it because of ignorance and lack of precious experience, such  gossip for a can be useful eye openers that  prompt you to seek professional help. 

There is, however, a flip  side to this.  People are notorious liars when it comes to talking about their  sex lives, and will tell grossly exaggerated tales of their sexual  prowess.  The obvious  aim of this braggadocio   is to s score one-upmanship points.  The gullible listener usually falls for these tall tales hook, line and sinker, and stale mates to actually believe  them.  Since such conversations usually occur only among very close people, the trust  quotient is high.  The listener believes that if the teller is trusting him with  something  so personal and intimate, he must be definitely telling the truth.  After all, who would expect a sister or best friend to lie about such personal matters?  There is no apparent motive to do so.  The listener also believes,  therefore, that he must prove himself to be worthy of that trust  and must prove  himself to be worthy of that  trust  and must never leak it out.  And this is how these blatant sexual lies remain closely kept secrets.  You  can never cross check them.  You remain forever in their grip.

If a guy tells you that his is ten inches long, or that he does it twelve times a night, or that his wife is so  multi-the better orgasm diet that she keeps twitching, writhing and convulsing all night  long,  chances are that  you'll believe him and develop  the complex of your life.  You are never going to ask the guy to show you his penis, you are  not going to peep into his bedroom, and  you are not going to check with the wife whether  the husband's  description of her sexuality was accurate.

Thus, the guy  laughs all the  way back to his bedroom, smug in the knowledge  that he has blown your mind out completely. 

Let me tell you the story of this guy who once came to my clinic and said, 'Doc, I have a major  problem when I try to do it the fourth time.'

I've  heard worse. I didn't bat an eyelid.  Instead, I looked him straight in the eye and asked  him to elaborate on his story  and tell more details.   That was all the encouragement he needed.  His verbal  diarrhea lasted  several  minutes thereafter.  Here's  a summary: 

'They first three times doc,'  he began, 'I am somehow able to manage to get it up but the fourth time around , it is well  nigh impossible.  My wife is very co-operative  and tries  hard to stimulate me but  still I can't do it.'

The word  'co-operative' is one that I hear very   commonly in my consulting room.  It seems  to be particularly  characteristic of Indian  women who sleep  with sexually  inept men.  In short, it means that the  woman  puts up with lousy  sexual performances and sexual dissatisfaction, night  after night, year after year, without any complaints.  To  'co-operate' apparently also means 'to observe silently and say encouraging things as the man makes a complete fool of himself  in bed'.  Believe me, there  are millions of  'co-operative'  Indian women out there.  I have  often wondered  why they've  never started a 'Non-co-operation'  movement like our freedom fighters did.

So then I asked out Charlie why it was  so important for  him to do it a fourth time.  weren't his wife and the happy with three times?

'Not a at all, doc,'  he said gloomily.  'You see, the  very first time around, I ejaculate as soon as I enter.  Even  the  third, I'm not much better and last only two or three strokes.  My wife  is extremely dissatisfied and often hasn't even begun  to get aroused.'

That was very easy for me to understand.   But what  I will never understand I  is how  such   wives are still very  'co-operative'!  Are they not aware of their right to sexual fulfillment?   Can't  they tell their partners what they'd  like in bed?  Can't they speak  up for their needs?  Why must they pretend that everything is all right when it isn't?  Are they embarrassed to admit  that they want to enjoy sex?  Do they  think enjoying good sex is amoral? Do they think that their partners  will consider them less virtuous if they are vocal, experimental, and demanding about sex?

'For God's sake!  I feel like telling them, 'Even  the World Health Organization (WHO) has declared sexual  health  a fundamental health  right.  Why are you people  still living  in the Dark Ages? Don't you watch The Bold  and the Beautiful?  Haven't  you seen all those brazenly sexual babes  flaunting it in the music remix channels?  When are you going  to address, discover, and sate your sexual urges?'

Charlie went on to say that his wife's friend  had once told  her that the friend's husband could do it seven to eight times a night.  'and I can't even do it four times,' he concluded woefully.  I didn't  have the heart to tell him that, as per my  understanding, he does not do it properly even once.  That would  have finished him completely.

Instead, I told him that he need not worry so much  and that his  problem was an eminently curable one.  I told him that he was making a mistake trying to engage in the numbers' game.  It was not how many times one did it that mattered but how well.  I said  that if he did it properly  even once  such that both his wife and he were satisfied, it would be more than enough.  I explained  to him what foreplay is,  what a woman's erogenous zones  are, and taught him a thing or two about breast and clitoris stimulation. I also told  him that he was  very lucky  to have  a 'co-operative' wife. I did not tell him that her co-operation might  not last too long if he didn't  get his act together  in a hurry.  He was  in a bad way already.   No point making it worse.  'That's not what he's come to me for,' I thought to myself.

I then went on to further explain  to him that his mot important  problem was premature ejaculation  and that we should first work towards  resolving  that.  I taught him  all the techniques and exercises that are described in on the fast guys and  other seminal matters .   I wrote him a prescription for medicines that would improve both erection and ejaculation.   The consultation lasted nearly half an hour.  At the end of it,  he nodded  with relief and hope as he  left my office confidently.

A few weeks later, his  plight had improved considerably  and he was  able to have a fairly normal sex life.  His wife, who accompanied him this time, endorsed this  and said that she was not just  being 'co-operative', but that she was really happy now.  Apparently, Charlie had  worked hard, both on himself  and on her (pun intended).

It is important for couples to understand that they should work at a sex life that works  for them and not try  to emulate others.  Every relationship  is  different.

So, do you still have a 'co-operative' wife?  If you do, then  please call my secretary immediately  for an appointment.