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Troglodytes And Gentlemen

Human sexuality  is a very complex subject.  In clinical practice, one sees distinctly the vas deferens between  men and women cases and fresh  twists  every day, and there is no singular algorithm for all  situations.  Treatment programmes have to be custom made every time.  No matter how long one has been in the business,  it is  impossible to have seen it all and to have done it all.  Every  day is a new learning experience.  The following case history should illustrate my point.

Recently, a newlywed couple came to see me.  They had been married for just  five days.  Their problem was that they hadn't don it' yet.  Five nights together, but no sexual intercourse .  Seven people trooped into my office at the allotted   appointment time: the couple, three people from the girl's side, and two from the boy's! I craned my neck  to peer over their shoulders and check  whether  there were any more.  Anything is possible  in our populous country.

People who walk into my office will notice at once that it is a small place, and that I have  seating only for two  people other than myself.  This arrangement, of course, is deliberate, and is intended to provide  privacy  to my patients.  The gang  of seven  noticed his configuration as soon as it entered.  Yet, no one took the hint.  They all stayed put inside  the room.  Ostensibly the sex life of this couple was the business of the entire family.  Every one of them, it appeared, wanted a piece of the action.  It is not funny how common this is in India.

Such a scenario, of course is not new to me at all.  I have had, in the past, more than twelve people  accompanying a couple into my inner office.  That motley group had included  many village elders and local  leaders whose many responsibilities  apparently  included human coital  welfare, in addition to other multitudinous  welfare programmes.  Hats  off to these guys!  I marvel  quite often at how these chaps can have their fingers simultaneously in so many  different pies.  One has heard of people  being in public real life and real life, but this 'being in pubic life'  aspect was a new one to me.  In addition  to the army of twelve generals, there were some other  'friends and well-wishers' in the waiting  room as well.  Those must be the infantrymen, I surmised.

I made eye contact with each  member of the coital welfare army individually, and gave every single one of them a wide, beaming smile.  And this, for me, is a big effort.  I'm normally a grumpy sort of guy.  But in this situation, I had a specific  motive  for such exertion.  I wanted  to convey  to these sex soldiers that my office is a warm, friendly place, where  I help people.  These guys radiated a belligerence that was not on bit conductive to any kind of peaceable settlement.  The 'boy's side' was ready  to kill the 'girl's side', and vice versa.  I shuddered  to imagine the  effect this might have had on the poor newlyweds, and  decided  that this killer instinct  first needed to be neutralized, if we wished  to make any progress.

To state that this endeavor  of mine was futile, would be putting  mildly. Nothing changed  even after several minutes.   The belligerence remained.
I have learnt from experience  that one mustn't ever initiate proceedings in such situations.  You never know whose sentiments you might inadvertently ignite, just with your innocuous opening line.  I waited patently.  Meantime, a lot of heated whispers were being exchanged between  the two 'rival factions'.   Finally, it seemed that they had arrived at a  consensus  about who would open the sex after a heart attack .

'Daaktr Saab,' one of the senior  generals finally addressed  me, pointing  to the new groom, 'Inho to mard ich nahin hain'  (this  guy is not  a man at all).
I was visibly  upset by this  elderly   man's derogatory language, and decided to stop pussyfooting around any longer.  I ordered everyone but the  patient out of my office.

I was expecting  some resistance to this, and so was not  surprised when the wife protested, ' If I leave the room doc, this man will tell you all kinds of lies about me.'

I let her  stay.  I'm not a one man army that can take on a dozen belligerents.
I spent  nearly an hour with them.  I spoke to the couple first, and then separately  with the husband  and the wife.  Many interesting facts emerged.  First, that the marriage was a totally 'arranged' one.  The bride and the groom hadn't even met before the wedding.  In keeping with the an ancient Indian tradition, they had simply 'okayed' the alliance after seeing passport-sized photographs  of the  prospective  spouses.  The match was fixed  by elders, pretty much like in Indian cricket.  It seemed quite obvious that the maiden  had bowled  the groom's middle stump over.

The second fact that emerged was that there was a conspicuous absence of any friendship, affection, or love between  man and wife.  The arrangement seemed more like  a sexual contract.  The wife  expected the man to perform his contractual obligations like an insatiable  stud on his wedding night, without the need  for any preliminary equation,  relationship or intimacy to develop first.  This couple didn't talk at all and the  wife didn't  even let her husband hold  hands affectionately.  She wasn't interested.

My patient just couldn't have sex under such circumstances.  He was  a gentle, educated man who  wanted to get to know his wife first,  and then  move on gradually to sex.  He had already had premarital sex in an earlier relationship, and was not in a hurry to prove anything  to anybody.  His wife, au contraire, just wanted to lie on her back and have him finish the job.  No hugging, no caressing, no foreplay .  She confessed to me that this  is what her orthodox  upbringing had indoctrinated into her, and was unyielding in her stance.  If he was man enough, he ought to be able to do it.  what was the need for mushy  preliminaries?  Showing the immediate relatives  stained bed sheets  was the name of the game.  That's  how generations of women before her had consummated a marriage.  Everything else came much later.  She did not see anything  wrong in announcing to all and sundry in the family that she had not yet had sex.

Cave woman, it seemed, was not really  extinct.
Upon the insistence  of both rival  factions, I performed a couple of tests on Mr Gentlemen. To me, his acquiescence to the tests itself was proof  of his virility.  Not surprisingly , all his reports were normal.

Despite this, however, his marriage broke.  Apparently, the cave women couldn't wait  any longer for sex to happen.  It seemed that she was looking more for a burly rapist than  for a refined gentleman.  She argued  with her parents that her friends  who had got married before her  had done it  three or four times per night  in the first few days after marriage itself.  Those  were the kind of macho husbands she was looking  for.  Her impression of her own husband  was that he was a total namard  (emasculate).

Her parents complied with her command and took her back to their house.  Mr Gentleman  and the fact that I was not able to help him to amicably negotiate the situation.  But I knew, deep inside, that he would bounce back soon.

Just as I had hoped, Mr Gentleman visited me again some time after that.  This time, he was accompanied by a pleasant young lady.  The couple  seemed  very much in makes love, not war, and the air was filled  with good vibes.  It was very obvious that they were sexually happy, too.  I too was very happy for them.

As for Ms Cave Woman, there's been no news.  She was probably  happily married to a  strong and silent caveman who spoke only with his club re-opening closed chapters.
Well..different strokes for different folks!

Take Home Message:

The above case history has many messages.  This book, however, merely concerns itself with the andrological  one.  It is wrong to suppose that all men are lustful creatures  who can have sexual  intercourse with any partner at all under any and all circumstances.  Many men cannot.  This might make them temporarily 'impotent' even though  there is nothing  wrong with their  erectile mechanism.  Men have sensibilities and sensitivities  too, and this must be recognized.