Sexual Etiquette

Contraception and STIs

Performance problems

Serious Sex-related issues


Sex myths

Gay and Lesbian sex

Everyday couples, exceptional sex

Dear Diary, I had great sex today


Appendix: A Sex Dictionary






Hot And Cold In Sex



Drop the but-I-thought-you-loved-me stuff- steamy fantasies make for even steamier real-life romps

I had my first sexual fantasy when I was seven years old and I'm ashamed to say it was about Engelbert Humperdinck. My father was crazy about this singer, who looked twice as dorky as he sounds and was at least 100 years old even back then. Brylcreamed hair styled into rippling, Elvis-like waves's, swarthy skin set off by shiny suits, eyebrows a girl could tangel her fingers in - I thought he was sex-on-legs. Trouble was, I really didn't know what sex was, a fact that becomes rather obvious from the fantasy. I used to imagine that I'd kidnap Engelbert and keep him around the side of our house. (for some reason, he was quite happy to do nothing but stand on a concrete path for days on end.) I'd sneak out to visit him and then he would- wait for it- roll bacon rinds up my arms. What a turn-on, eh! Why the thought of this produced such a pleasant, naughty shiver up my girly spine is utterly beyond me. I've examined those record covers a million times since but still can't figure the connection between Engelbert and bacon fat-except maybe that they're both slimy.
              You'll be relieved to hear my subsequent fantasies haven't come close to matching the oddness of that little gem but, like millions of others, I still thoroughly enjoy letting my imagination run wild. Just about everyone fantasizes: men, women, and (obviously ) children, and there are lots of reasons why. In fantasy land, there are no rules. No one can accuse us of being right or wrong, nice or nasty, perverted, dirty, or plain revolting because (thank God) no one's invented a device to read minds. So, we're free to invent idealized situations that are totally impractical or unattainable in real life. Pimples, cellulite, cramps, periods, pissed- off girlfriends or boyfriends, smelly genitals, and children wanting cookies-they all magically disappear in fantasies. Our dream couples know exactly when, how, and what to do to make us giddy with desire because we're directing the show.
              No two people conjure up exactly the same fantasy, but there is a unifying thread to them all: a longing to escape from what's socially acceptable. In real life, ripping off your secretary's skirt and bending her over your desk will land you a sexual harassment suit. In your fantasy, it gets your the blow job of your life. Fantasies are a welcome escape from the stress of day-to-day living. Daydreaming about some gorgeous Jamaican delivering more than a cocktail on a sun-drenched beach is infinitely more appealing than worrying where next week's rent is coming from.
              Most of the time, our fantasies revolve around things we'd never want to try in reality- some would horrify us if they actually happened. (Arriving home to find your girlfriend in bed with six workmen is a hell of a lot different from aimlessly daydreaming about it.) But their effect on our libido and sex life is immense all the same and, in some instances, our fantasies would delight us by coming true. The more you fantasize, the higher your libido. What came first, the chicken or the egg, is anyone's guess, but it's pretty well established that the more you think about sex, the more you want it. That makes fantasies the cheapest, most effective sex aid around. Even better, they're tailor-made to suit the user. We can turn them on or off at will and they introduce variety into our sex lives without the complications and devastation of real-life affairs. They add the spice of infidelity without a price to pay for it.
              Fantasy and sex masturbation go together like bacon and eggs and lots of people have one favorite that always guarantees an orgasm. Studies show almost 60 percent of us fantasize every time we make love with our partner. Sexperts estimate the real figure (that is, when our partners aren't watching over our shoulder to see what survey box we check) to be much higher. Of those that do fantasize during sex, all report a much more satisfying love life than those who don't. and our fantasies aren't necessarily about other people or other situations. Often, we'll imagine how we look or picture what our partner is doing to us as they're doing it, because we can't "see" with our eyes because of the position.
              Whatever the motivation and whatever your brain conjured up, you'd be hard-pressed finding a sex therapist who didn't include fantasy in a recipe for hot sex. Here are a rundown on our most common themes, some real-life confessions, and hints on how to use them to enhance your sex life, both in and out of bed.

In his dreams: the 10 most common male sex fantasies

"What are you thinking , darling?" she asks, snuggled up romantically on the couch, one head on your shoulder. " much I love you." "Oh, how sweet!" she gushes. What was really running through your head was any of the following .

              1. Fantasies about your current partner
No kidding. This is the number one sex fantasy for most men: things you've done, or would like to do, to your girlfriend. (It's her top fantasy too, by the way). Forget big-breasted blond Swedish women begging for more- scenarios featuring your girlfriend are far more frequent and likely. Why? Because available flesh-and-blood is sometimes more of a turn-on than the unattainable- there's a good chance it could come true or has already.

              2. Having sex with a woman other than your partner
Often, she's a past lover, a friend of your girlfriend, perhaps a celebrity. The psychology behind this one isn't too difficult to work out: lots of people long to have sex with someone new and fantasy is a virgin, you've cast yourself in the teacher role, initiating her into hedonistic pleasures through your skillful lovemaking. If she's got big boobs, choose from a variety of psychological theories. Freudians would say you haven't cut the apron strings; breasts (i.e. sucking on Mom's) are a symbol of your childhood. Most sensible therapists would say you're one of those guys who equate big breasts with the ultimate sexy women.

              3. Giving or receiving oral sex
This is near the top of the list for both sexes. Fantasy fellatio has one vital ingredient: the woman doesn't do it to give pleasure. she does it to get pleasure- worshiping your mighty penis, slurping, gobbling, begging you to let her take it into her mouth, giving long, lascivious licks. She accompanies the blow job with comments like "God, it's huge" and (of course) not only swallows every last drop of sperm but licks her lips afterward. This one's heaven for just about all men (and a very easy one for her to turn into reality).
              Fantasies about giving her oral sex aren't surprising either. Many women are more obviously turned -on by oral than intercourse and as the ultimate pleasure-giver, this is what you know will driver her craaazy. Plus there's still a part of us that secretly thinks of oral sex as "dirtier" than intercourse, hence the huge turn-on factor.

              4. Sex with two or more women
This is the adult male equivalent of the childhood fantasy of being accidentally locked up in a candy store. If having sex with one women feels good, having sex with two must be double the fun. Throw in some lesbian lovemaking and this one sends most of you drifting off into la-la land with an if-only expression on your face. In your fantasy, you're super stud: capable of bringing both women to screaming orgasms, over and over. In reality, lots of you worry (consciously or subconsciously) whether you're truly satisfying just one, so it's not surprising this dream-fodder. Studies show the vast majority of men don't want (and actually couldn't cope with) such sexual demands in real life.

              . Fifty-seven point five percent of women feel good about the idea of having sex with another woman; 33.4 percent have done it, and out of those 92.9 percent enjoyed the experience.

Orgy type fantasies not only remove real-life logistical problems ("Umm, would you mind moving your leg? Your toe's going right up my nose"), but you can magically orgasm time and time again. Watching two women make love (especially women you know - your partner is often one of them) is another common male fantasy. The classic version has you arriving home from work unexpectedly to find your partner, dressed in some wispy thing, curled up on the bed with a divine-looking "friend/ goddess." Hands, handcuffs, and definitely tongues feature, but the climax is always them begging you to join in, so they can experience "the real thing."

              5. Watching others sex and/ or being watched
It's called voeyurism (watching) and exhibitionism (being watched). In reality, few people would be able to stop themselves looking at a couple having sex if they were guaranteed not to get caught, but voyeurism is a fantasy, of both sexes, because sex is private and mostly hidden. Sure, we watch couples do it on TV, but it's rare we get to see the real thing, and there's also a narcissistic appeal: we imagine we're one of the couple because we can't see ourselves when we have sex. Even if you do it in front of a mirror, all angles aren't covered and you tend to forget to watch good parts because you're too carried away by the sensation. Some of you are turned on by the thought of watching other men make love to your partner -she's a creature of such savage sexual appetites, you alone can't satisfy them. Not surprisingly, few (brave or stupid) individuals actually take that one through to real life.
              Exhibitionistic fantasies often revolve around others admiring you. You put on a fine show (of course) and the voyeur is usually envious of your sexual skills, desperately wishing they were the person you were making love to. It's an ego-boosting fantasy.

              6. Having her masturbate for you (or watching her without her knowing)
Watching her "play with herself" is up there on most men's wish list, possibly because it reassures you that we're as into sex as you are. Secretly spying appeals to your curious side: what is the really up to when you're not around?

              7. Anal Sex
It doesn't mean you've got "gay tendencies," because the anus is undeniably an erotic zone, especially for men. A lot of you would love her to penetrate you with a finger -or want to have anal intercourse- but worry she'll think you're gay if you suggest it. so you fantasize instead.

              8. Bondage (tying -up fantasies )
Being tied up is her favorite ,tying someone up is usually yours - which works out rather nicely if you play this one out in real life! Bondage fantasies are usually about power -having it or relinquishing it, and both have their appeal. Sometimes, it can mean you want to tie her down, rather than up (you don't feel she's truly yours); most of the time bondage comes to mind because it's the subject of many scenes in erotic books or movies.

              . Sex-line workers say these are the most popular fantasy requests from men who call them: * 37 percent want domination fantasies * 23 percent sex with schoolgirls * 15 percent anal sex with a woman * 9 percent sex with two girls * 5 percent to dress up in women's clothes * 4 percent sex with an older woman (often their mother-in-law) * 3 percent an orgy * 2 percent sex with lesbians

Sadomasochistic ( S and M) fantasies are less common but certainly not rare. Sadism is getting off on inflicting pain on an someone else; masochism is getting off on someone hurting you. Most mild S and M fantasies revolve around whipping and spanking. Pleasure and pain are inextricably linked in the minds of some people and, in really, spanking increases blood flow to the genital area (and therefore turns us on biologically). Aggression is common in the animal world; some female animals only ovulate if the male bites them. Masochistic fantasies sometimes stem from subconsciously thinking sex is bad (you need to be punished for liking it).

              9. Pretend rape
Contrary to what most women believe, when you fantasize about forcing a woman to have sex with you it's more about overpowering her through your amazing sexual technique and charisma than violence. The starts off saying "no," then can't help but say "yes" given the superhunk that you are. Often set in Disney dungeons, nobody really gets hurt and the victim enjoys it even more than you do. if she's forcing you to have sex, you're indulging in a submissive sexual role quite unlike the one you probably have in real life. Usually, it's just a release from the day-to-day responsibility of always having to be in charge.

              10. Sex with another man
Same-sex fantasies or threesome fantasies involving another man are extremely common and don't mean you've got a secret wish to be gay; it just means you're sexually curious.