LOVE LIVES

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The Faces of Love and Sex

The Love World

The Sexual Stage

Sex and The senses

Common Sex Positions

Variations - Standard and Exotic

Other Entry Ports

Rhythm and Release

Love Songs

Love Machines and Love Potions

Fantastics

Sexual insight and Destiny:  Finding New Fulfillment Afterword

Sexual Insight And Destiny:

The theme of this book has been that the sex positions chosen by individuals -positions that are preferred, spontaneously assumed, and used with pleasure and effectiveness- are expressions of the individual's essential way of living. How the person prefers to behave in the sexual relationship is another facet of the fundamental, characteristic way in which the person behaves in other areas of daily life that may be of a more mundane nature. Viewing the couple relationship, we can see that the positions chosen, the rhythm and release, and the functional interaction throughout coitus represent that particular couple's unified way of living together as partners.

This means, of course, that if the couple experiences difficulty in the sex-love duality, parallel difficulties are likely to exist in other aspects of their relationship. If intimacy and spontaneity are lacking in the sexual stage encounter, their lack usually will be felt throughout the relationship as a whole. Yet exactly because the couple's ways of behaving together are manifested so concretely in their sexual choices, an analysis of their sex positions and patterns can help them recognize more clearly the elements in their overall relationship that are strong and those that may need strengthening. And such recognition can be half the battle in overcoming problems in a love-sex partnership.

In psychotherapy the first step toward making changes in a person's way of living involves the perception of one's self, where one comes from, one how one relates to others- the basic principles that form the individual life-style. Today most people have some grasp of the fundamentals of human psychology, and many individuals are quick to make an amateur "analysis" of the problems of a friend. But we are usually not objective about ourselves or about those to whom we are emotionally close. In order to arrive at an understanding of ourselves, we must often eliminate our own blind spots and resistance's. But through an analysis of our sexual patterns and choices we gain the possibility of grasping in a direct and incontrovertible manner the concrete evidence that we live in particular ways.

The statements concerning the couple relationship that are made by sex positions and partners are so simple, direct, immediate, and easily grasped that it is possible to understand the essential nature of the couple's interaction without resorting to complicated tests, interviews, and procedures. Here is evidence that we can see and feel; it is tangible. We can recognize ourselves more fully for the individuals we are and can see our feelings about our partners clearly spelled out in the sex-love interaction. If we should see, for instance, that a certain lack of intimacy exists in our choice of positions, we will have immediately gained in our understanding of ourselves and the nature of the relationship. Our sexual fantastics can thus provide us with clues that can be used as a basis for opening ourselves to the possibilities of new realms of experience and new ways of relating. Every time a new comprehension of ourselves or our relationships emerges we have begun to change. New knowledge is in itself change. Having understood the significance of our potentials for change to our own individual natures and needs.

We have seen that individuals have preferred sexual positions. But we have also seen that in the transports of passion, individuals and couples can transcend what is merely comfortable or habitual and extend the limits of their ordinary behavioral horizons. The person who fears intimacy can sometimes during the ecstasy of sex find release from the anxieties that usually prevent a full face-to-face open encounter with others. Let us assume that a couple usually has intercourse in the Crossbow position, with the man on top of the woman but at right angles to her, as was the case with one of my patients. The man's position shows a reluctance to align himself fully and directly with the woman. But if occasionally, released and transported by the love experience, he finds himself able to bring himself face to face with his partner in the full missionary position- even momentarily-then we have evidence that such intimacy is possible for him, that it can be achieved. Understanding the significance of this change in position may make it possible for the man also to attempt the achievement of closer alignment in other areas of the relationship.