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Psychological Methods of Arousing a Sex Partner

Sexual arousability in human being sex  is. an importantly psychological as well as physical process (Lastrucci, 1947; Maslow, 1955). Males and females not only may be sexually excited by several of their senses particularly those of touch and of sight but also may become aroused by thoughts and feelings. That is to say, they may achieve a state of tumescence or erection. begin to secrete precoital fluid, and at times even attain orgasm when they remember past sex experiences, think about present involvements, or imagine a future adventure.

          If, therefore, you would maximally arouse a member of the physical sex, so that he or she fully desires to have sex relations, you had best employ both physical and psychic avenues of excitability (Bibby, 1960; Reik, 1958; Stekel, 1926; Stokes, 1948; Vatsyayana). The main psychological avenues and techniques which may serve you in this connection are the following.

          Love sex, appreciation. People usually enjoy being enjoyed. If you are enthusiastic about your mate's looks, personality, sex techniques, and so your enthusiasm will tend to make him or her more interested in you and your attributes.

          No matter how good looking, bright, talented, or sexually adept we may be, we all like to be concretely and specifically appreciated by our particular love partner. We want, at least at fairly frequent intervals, to be told that we are nice, enjoyable, pleasing. And sometimes, more importantly, we want our beloved to back up his or her words with convincing actions with special consideration occasional gifts, remembrances of anniversaries, surprise theater tickets, or just a glow of real pleasure from sitting over dinner together.

          Especially in regard to sex relations, if you can show your mate that you are greatly looking forward to having contact that night, that you consider physical intimacy an important part but still only a part of a complete relationship, and that there is no one else in the world with whom you can imagine having equal love sex satisfaction, it is likely that your eagemess and ardor will excite reciprocal ideas and feelings (Fromm, 1956; Mace, 1945, 1958).

          Particularly if your partner has, or thinks he or she has, some physical or other defects (if she thinks that her nose is too large or he thinks he breathes too heavily), it is important that you be kind and accepting and that you go a little out of your way to emphasize his or her good qualities.

          Any critical or non-accepting attitude you may take toward his or her "defects" will most likely kill or neutralize desire. Conversely, full acceptance of your mate, including flaws and failings, encourages him to become most aroused and let go sexually.

          If being with your partner excites you, your excitement will often enhance his or hers. By all means show, then, whatever sex and love interest you have in your mate. Don't hide it away in the dark where it can't possibly be catching.

          Demonstration of love. Love tends to increase emotional security and release inhibitions. When we are sure that we are accepted and approved, we do not fear what others will think of us-including what they will think of us sexually. We let ourselves go with those who love us, rather than with others who may disapprove. And we try things with those who care for us that we would be afraid to try, for fear of failing or being laughed at, with others. Conversely, if we are afraid we are not loved or will not continue to be loved, we may fear to make any move that might shock our sex partner and alienate him or her (Grant, 1957; Levy and Munroe, 1938).

          Especially to females in our society, love is an important requisite of uninhibited sex relations. Perhaps there is something biological in this since females do take greater risks, such as the risks of pregnancy, in having coitus; and love reduces risk. However that may be. Western women are certainty raised to hold back sexually until they feel perfectly secure with their mate until they are sure of love.

          Western males, too, are often raised to find sex relatively worthless, meaningless unless it is accompanied by feelings of love; so that they may hold themselves back in a non-loving sex relationship.

          Be apprised, then: The more love you give, in sexual affairs, the more you are likely to arouse your mate to the highest peaks of excitement and create an eagemess for him or her to satisfy you in rectum. Love not only begets love it also begets greater sexual responsiveness.

          Self-confidence and initiative. Although, as noted in the previous section, most humans are less inhibited when they are accepted and approved than when they are unloved. lack of inhibition is primarily related to self-approval and self-confidence rather than to acceptance by others. Sexual inhibition is nothing but a high class word for fear or anxiety; and most human anxiety, as I point out in my book, How to Live With a Neurotic (1957a), stems from an individual's exaggerating the significance of what others think of him and not having the courage of his own convictions.

          To gain self confidence and reduce anxiety, one must stop blaming oneself for one's mistakes, accept oneself fully with one's weaknesses and fallibilities, and stop trying to win the love and approval of virtually everyone one encounters.

          Being self-confident, one gains sexually in several ways. In the first place. one takes the attitude that one will succeed; and. having this attitude, generally does succeed. Or, if first attempts to arouse a sex partner fail, one confidently continues these attempts until, in many instances, one succeeds.

          Secondly, by being confident and taking the sexual initiative. one instills confidence in oneself in the other person. Most women, as Caprio (1952) points out, react badly to sexual shyness in their husbands, partly because they feel that he will be sexually inadequate. A self-confident partner, on the other hand, gives his mate the idea that he will be able to perform competently; and consequently she will tend to let herself go to her own greatest degree.

          Thirdly, self -confidence in one mate tends to serve as a good model for the other partner. If a husband or wife acts as if he or she is sexually adequate and is almost certainly going to have a good time in bed, the spouse will tend to believe that he or she can also have an equally good time, and will follow through in a relatively relaxed manner.

          Fourthly, if one mate takes real sexual initiative, the other mate will normally believe that he or she is greatly desired and loved. Particularly, as Mozes (1959) observes. "Nothing can heighten the excitement of the husband. more than his realization that realization that his wife is participating fully the act by taking the initiative, or at least encouraging him. Consequently, the wife should take an active role in all parts of love play."

          Self-confidence and taking the sexual initiative, then, are important requisites for arousing one's sex partner; and. if more people were concerned about how much they respected themselves, rather than how much others approved them, their sex positions would improve enormously.

          Talking things out. No man or woman is a mind reader. Even individuals who are passionately in Jove frequently misunderstand each other: and husbands and wives certainly do. Your sex proclivities are necessarily so personal and unique that it is difficult for another member of the same sex to understand them. A member of the other sex, who is bound to be startlingly different in many ways, has even greater difficulty. The only sane way, therefore, to know what sexually arouses and satisfies your mate is, in unvarnished English, to ask him or her: and the only sane way to get your mate to understand what sexually arouses and satisfies you is to tell him or her (R. Harper, 1958: Katz, 1956).

          Shame, in this connection, is utterly silly just as silly as a husband's being ashamed to tell his wife that he likes eggs scrambled instead of sunny side up, and then becoming angry because, somehow, she does not fathom this. Why the devil should she? And why on earth should he be ashamed to tell her?

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