SEXUAL CHEMISTRY

= = = = = = = = = = = =

What is Sexual Chemistry?

Beyond the Spoken Word

Metacommunication

Of Pheromones and Fantasy

Love and the Amphetamines

Image Projection

Risking

Labeling

Barriers and Blocks

Keeping Sexual Chemistry Alive

The Many Phase of Sexual Chemistry

Mirroring and Mentors

Effects and Stages

Keeping Sexual Chemistry Alive

Love in The Afternoon

"The guys at the office used to kid me about taking such long lunch breaks," Michael, an accountant in his forties, told us.  "Finally, just to keep them quiet, I said I was having an affair, and since I'm married and have two kids, lunch break was the only time we had together. I told it to them seriously, and they were not only impressed, but they were embarrassed enough to stop kidding me about it.  oddly enough, I gained a lot of status in the office."

"And what about this affair? Wasn't it rash of you to tell them?"

"That's the kicker.  I live twenty minutes away from the office by subway, and what I've been doing at noon  is hopping the train home.  My wife picks me up at the station, and we spend a half hour or so making love- our matinee, we call it- then she drops me off and it's back to work a Risking.  If I ever told the guys the truth they'd razz the hell out of me. An affair with my own wife! As it is, they keep quiet about it."

"But why all that trouble just to have sex  with your wife? You sleep together every night.

Mike grinned. "There are half a dozen reason, I guess.  First of all, we're too damned tired at night.  I don't get home till after seven, and many nights I have to work at home, and Maggie has a rough time with the kids and the house.  We're both played out at night.  That's what started me off on this, and besides, there's something special about it."

"But aren't you going to a lot of trouble just to- well."

"Go on, say it.  Just to get laid.  But when I was single I'd think nothing of traveling an hour or two just to take a girl home if there was a chance of scoring.  The big thing about all this is, the two of us share something.  It's a secret time together that even the kids don't know about.  To tell you the truth, it's changed our entire sex life, spiced it up and put all the Sexual Chemistry back into it. "

Fast But Fabulous

Another married couple told us they had revived their sexual chemistry by quickies.  "It started one evening when we were getting dressed to go out," Steve, a painter, told us.  "I was just finishing shaving at the sink, and Marlene had come out of the shower.  The mirror was fogged up from the steam, and when I wiped it off to see my face I had a glimpse of Marlene reflected in it, bending over to dry her feet.  It was late afternoon, and the sun was low with that peculiar orange light, and it seemed to glow all around her.  she looked exactly like a Renoir nude, and all at once I was turned on and excited.  'I've either got to paint her this second or make love to her,' I told myself.

"I wiped off the shaving cream and, turning, ran my hand down her back.  startled, she stared at me for a moment, then began to smile.  It was pretty obvious how I felt, and we started hugging and kissing right there in the bathroom.  'We have to leave in a half hour if we're to meet the Thompsons,' Marlene murmured, and I said, 'We didn't need a half hour!

"We didn't.  It was the quickest, most exciting love-making we had had in years.  I don't know what turned us on so, the fact that we were so rushed for time or just the idea of sneaking this bit of Love And The Amphetamines in when it was so unexpected and there was such a sense of immediacy.

"We were only a few minutes late getting to meet our friends, and the two of us were really high that evening.  I think it was the fact that we shared an intimate secret, something just a bit furtive.  We could look at each other and grin at that private knowledge. "

It was the spontaneous quality of that quickie that acted as a turn-on for Steve and Marlene.  It changed what had become ordinary and a little dull into something exciting and different.  "We've had an occasional quickie since then," Steve said, "and each time it seems to rev up the sexual chemistry between us.

This type of quickie that shook up the routine of their sexual lives didn't take the place of the unhurried love-making of their marriage, but when it did happen it put an erotic edge on their relationship and helped ignite a spark of sexual chemistry that made their marital sex even better.

The Imbalance Factor

Many married couples initiate fights and arguments just to keep the sexual chemistry alive.  "We seem to fight like crazy during the weekends," one couple admitted.  "And sometimes we don't even remember what we're fighting about.

All we know is that it perks us up, makes us alive, and  somehow makes sex therapy  more intense and interesting,  because the fights always end with a furious bout in bed.

"The trouble is, we don't think it's right, because although it heats us both up, it also, in some way, is subtly eroding our relationship.  I keep remembering the times when we didn't need the artificial heat of an argument to kindle desire. "

Another, older couple had an almost philosophical acceptance of the loss of sexual chemistry.  "to me," the husband said thoughtfully, "it's the memory of sex that works.  When we were young I'd be turned on by seeing my wife undress, by a glimpse of her bare breast or the way her dress fell over her buttocks.  There was always a drive inside me that seemed to come to life at those moments.

"Now most of the drive is gone, but the memory of how great sex was still arouses me.  I initiate sex not because I need it as much as I used to, but because I remember how terrific is used to be. "

A marriage counselor we talked to agreed that too often the companionate love that passionate love turns into can be associated with boredom.  "The solution," she suggested, "is to alter the pattern.  If you find your lover doing something that's unusual it may make you uncomfortable, but discomfort is sometimes at the core of The Many Phase of Sexual Chemistry."

"In what way?" we asked.

"Well, you're back to square one in your relationship.  You're facing an unknown, wanting to conquer or be conquered.  You're in a primitive state of imbalance.  I believe that there is a greater potential for sexual chemistry if you can keep re-creating that state of imbalance- in a positive way. "

The couple who used constant fighting intuitively understood that they needed to regain their sexual chemistry, but veered off in the wrong direction trying to achieve it.  constant fighting and bickering can erode a relationship.  An occasional fight is something different, and it often clears the air and starts the chemistry working again.  But fighting is not necessary.