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The Three Loves of Eve
"I've experienced Sexual Chemistry three times in the past seven months," Eve told us, "and each time it was with someone total alasly different."
"What happened to them?"
"Well, the funny thing is, I still see them, all three of them, and the sexual chemistry is still there. Of course, none of them knows I'm dates the others. I think Chris wouldn't mind. I met Chris first, and I really liked him. we have a great time together. He's almost like a brother, but a good brother, one who understands me and cares for me. In a way, our sexual chemistry is a very deep affection. We like the same things, the same sports and the same movies-we even watch the same sitcoms on TV. I used to think if I ever became serious about anyone, it would be Chris. He's so easy to live with."
"What about the other men?" we asked.
"I met Phil a month after I started seeing Chris. We met at a party doing a game of charades. We two were a team, and we were the winners. It's funny, we had a sort of ESP with each other. I'd guess a Beyond The Spoken Word before Phil had started acting it out. It was a sort of instantaneous understanding. The thing is, he asked me out and I went, and you know, with Phil, love itself is a sort of game. Once he told me that love is like a good wine. You should enjoy it, but you shouldn't overindulge! That's Phil. There's sexual chemistry between us, but there's also a lot of distance.
"Funny, I've never felt untrue to Chris when I've been with Phil, because Phil has such an air of independence. He won't allow me to become too attached; he values his own privacy too much, and right now that's fine for me. I find him attractive, and yes, we've been to bed together. Sex, to Phil, is sort of a game, a pleasant pastime, he told me once. He was quoting the Roman Poet Ovid. Anyway, I have fun with Phil. It's not like it is with Chris. Chris is for sharing-Phil is for fun, and I know he plays the field, but who am I to complain. You can't be constant with a guy like Phil. He wouldn't want it."
"And your third love?" we asked.
"Oh yes, Jack. That's a whole new ball game. " She paused and shook her head. "I only met Jack two weeks ago, and I don't know. It's become pretty heavy. These past weeks I've felt like a juggler trying to keep three things in the air going at once, but my three things are men, Chris, Phil, and Jack. I could manage it with three like Phil, but Jack's something's else altogether.
"I met Jack at a concert. We had seats together, and I realized he was looking at me instead of the stage, and finally I caught his eye and he apologized and we began talking, and then he asked me out for a drink, and the next day he called me at work. He remembered where I worked from our talk over drinks, and I went out with him because .well, I felt such a strong sexual chemistry between us that evening after the concern, and I know he felt it too- and I was right. It's there. "
She hesitated. "jack is different from Chris and Phil. There's an excitement when we're together, a kind of charged energy level, and I get the feeling that he approves of everything about me. He notices things my hair, my clothes, my eyes. I'll bet Chris doesn't even know what color eyes I have! With Jack it's so different. He knows me so completely. He wants to see me every day, and that makes a problem, because I hate to give up Chris and Phil, but I know Jack won't tolerate another man in my life.
"He wants to be very close. Oh, we've slept together, and that's exciting too. He's good in bed, damned good, and there's none of the game-playing there is with Phil. Jack is open and honest, and he's not jealous or possessive. It's just.well, he's so sincere, I guess that's the word. I really thin if I go on with him it's got to be just the two of us, but I'm not ready to give up Phil and Chris. In a way I love them too. There's still such chemistry between us!"
The Colors of Love
It's unusual but not unheard of for someone like Eve to be in love with more tan one person at the same time. our culture tends to consider a situation like this immoral, but our Western morality about love is based on our Western attitude toward religion. We have accepted a concept of one God, and we also, for good or bad, accept a concept of one Love And The Amphetamines. We consider it immoral to be in love with more than one person at the same time, but it can happen; it happens quite often. In our interviews we ran across this type of situation frequently enough to assume that it's a part of the normal framework of love, at least one part.
The fascinating thing about Eve's three loves, and the reason we chose to tell about them, is that they are each so different from the other, and in a way they symbolize three different types of love, perhaps the three basic types.
In a doctoral thesis on love, Dr. John Alan Lee, who teaches sociology at Scarborough College at the University of Toronto, likens love and sexual chemistry to a color wheel. He finds three primary types of love, just as there are three primary colors.
The most intense, which he likens to red in the spectrum, he calls eros (from the Greek word for love), and it's a love that is predominantly Keeping Sexual Chemistry Alive. It is very much like the love that Jack feels for Eve. It involves an immediate and powerful sexual chemistry. There is a strong sexual therapy to it, and it has an all-or-nothing quality. Strangely enough, there is not a great deal of jealousy in this type of love. Eros lovers are not possessive as much as they are exclusive. Infidelity would end the relationship, because the relationship is based on trust. Even realized that she had to give up her others lovers if she wished to keep Jack.
The second primary type of love Dr. Lee calls ludus from a Latin term fro play or sport. This type of love sees the whole thing as a game, with promiscuity allowed and with a lack of commitment. Phil practiced it to perfection. He never allowed himself to become too involved, not would he commit himself to any one woman. In ludus love, sexual chemistry occurs quickly, but is rarely as strong as it is in eros love. Phil experienced sexual chemistry with Eve, but he wouldn't allow himself to "fall in love. " He never wanted to get absorbed by his lover. He was always casual and in control of his emotions, and he expected his lover to play the same game and stay in control of herself.
Ludus is a freewheeling, easy sort of love, and in Dr. Lee's color wheel it is likened to blue, a cool color.
The third primary type of love is Labeling storge (pronounced stor-gay), from a Greek word for natural affection. It describes an affection that is close, but more like a deep friendship than a true love. Chris, who typifies this type of lover, was a friend to Eve, and she explained that there had been no sex between them. "We are just as satisfied to hug and kiss, and while we both though that someday we might get around to sex, we were in no hurry. It's funny," she added, "I know I have to stop seeing Phil, and I know we'll both get over it pretty quickly, but I just won't stop seeing Chris. He'll always be a good friend. "
And friendship is at the bottom of this type of love. In storge love you are not preoccupied with your lover. You are relaxed and like to do things together, to share interests and avoid manipulating each other's feelings. It's a relaxed kind of love, and Dr. Lee likens it to yellow, a bright, clear color and the third color on the wheel-red, blue, yellow.
As with colors, there are secondary types of love in Dr. Lee's listing. The secondary colors are green, purple, and orange. One of the secondary loves is mania (from the Greek, meaning "to be mad"), the possessive, jealous, obsessive love, between ludus and eros; Dr. Lee gives it the color purple, but we would see it as green. The love he label green, he puts between ludus and storge; it is progma (from the Greek word for deed), a pragmatic sort of love, realistic. Where orange occurs in the wheel, between red eros and yellow storge, Dr. Lee puts agape, the Greek word for charity and love used by Saint Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians. This is dutiful, unselfish, and self-sacrificing -and oh so rare!