Wildflowers

Perfect Buds

The If-Busters

Late Bloomers

Early Bloomers

Living-Togethers

Sexual Explorers

Sexually Dissatisfied Wives

Overcoming Rejection

Why Sacrifice Pleasure?

A Way of Classifying Sexual Identity

How Pleasure-Claimers Get Better Orgasms

Some Observations from the Survey

How Pleasure Claimers Get Better Orgasms

"Should sex only be an expression of love? Nab! It can be both loving and animalistic-or only animalistic. I love my husband. Sometimes we make love like animals. I have never loved my lovers. The sex is good with all of them."

-a thirty-nine-year-old adulterous wife

            Pleasure claimers may be married or single, monogamous or not, but sex is important to them. Orgasms do matter. They don't say, "I don't care if I have an orgasm or not," very often.

            For them, having an orgasms isn't always enough either. They want, and frequently have, multiple orgasms or enjoy extended lovemaking sessions leading to intense orgasms. Or, they are orgasmic in a variety of ways, including through oral genital stimulation, a favorite of pleasure claimers. They have freely sex explored their own, and their partners' bodies, and the knowledge they have gained has given them sexual power. Whether monogamous or promiscuous, they like to experiment sexually. When they are faithful to a man, they do so by active choice, not fear of the consequences should they cheat. They make active, not passive, choices.

            For some women, sexual therapy  really does bloom more fully within the confines of an emotionally secure monogamous relationship, while for other women, that same description reads like the specs for an erotic straitjacket. Women who have claimed their sexual pleasure from within themselves know what they need, and they go after it. They are not easily influenced by the antisex messages they get mainly from other women, but they are seldom rebels either; they do not flaunt their behavior in society's face. There is often a considerable split between their private selves and public facades, especially if they live in small communities where sexual behavior is closely monitored by others or work in a conservative profession or firm.

Profile of a Pleasure Claimer

Over 70 percent of my survey respondents are pleasure claimers. Breaking pleasure claimers down into the four major categories, I found:

  • 56.7 percent were early bloomers
  • 15.2 percent were wildflowers
  • 20.1 percent were perfect buds
  • 9 percent were late bloomers

            I defined them as women who:

  • Masturbate and are comfortable with asking for, or giving themselves, manual stimulation during intercourse .
  • Report being orgasmic in nearly all their sexual encounters.
  • Have a high degree of satisfaction with their sex lives.
  • Answered the key attitude question, "Do you think sex should only be an expression of love " with "No."

             Pleasure claimers often experience orgasms through more forms of stimuli than other women. Several are orgasmic during dreams or fantasies. A few reach orgasms merely from having their breasts stimulated. They also report more multiple orgasms (40 percent experience multiple orgasm anywhere from infrequently to often). In general less than 12 percent of women are thought to experience multiple orgasms. Those pleasure claimers who do have them say they first had multiple orgasms during masturbation and then learned how to have them during sex by varying the kind of stimulation they receive.

            "If I want to have multiple orgasms, I can have them almost any time," writes a thirty-seven-year-old monogamous wife. "I have my first orgasm during cunnilingus. Then, we have intercourse, varying the positions and the intensity of thrusting. I can usually come once or twice again during intercourse, sometimes by adding anal stimulation . After my husband has ejaculated, I can have several more orgasms if he or I continue to stimulate me manually while he's kissing me deeply and holding me. At this point, they come one right vagina after another because I am so high, there's very little needed to get me back to the peak.

            "If he's tired after sex, I sometimes masturbate while he watches."

            Many women describe the sessions in which they were multiple orgasmic in a similar way. Varying stimulation is a key element in their lovemaking styles. Some use the same technique to delay orgasm and prolong excitation by stopping one form of stimulation at the brink of orgasm, thus obtaining a stronger response when they do have an orgasm. Not all sexually confident and satisfied women have, or even care about having, multiples. The pleasure claimer, however, seeks a more intense experience than she did during her sexual discovery phase.

            Interestingly, few pleasure claimers were late bloomers, suggesting, for the participants in this survey at least, a connection between earlier masturbation and a satisfying sex life.

            One notable exception, a thirty-three-year-old waitress from St. Louis writes: "Raised a devout Catholic, I didn't have sex before marriage and can't remember how old I was when I first masturbated. You see, I've blotted it out of my mind! I was lucky in my choice of husbands. He is sensitive and giving in sex. I also think I was fortunate in having sex for the first time at an older age, into my twenties, when I'd read and heard enough to know what to do and not be traumatized if it wasn't good the first time. I didn't have an orgasm for two years. But now I have multiple orgasms."

            Whether married or single, the pleasure claimer has a rich fantasy life that doesn't threaten her real life, a healthy, positive attitude about sex, and these basic traits:

  • Sexual confidence, in her ability to attract and please a man-and in her ability to be orgasmic.
  • Communication skills, which enable her to tell and show her partner what she need in bed, without self-consciousness and without making him fee threatened or "lectured."
  • The ability to separate sex from the rest of her emotional and financial security needs, even from love.
  • Willingness to experiment sexually with her partner.

Next >>

Sexual Victims

Discarded Women

The Clock Women

Independent Women

Revirginized Women

Monogamous Women

Second-Chance Women

Surviving the Droughts

Wives Who Have Affairs

The Saboteurs of Pleasure

Conclusion: Your Sexual Turning Point?

The Women Who Doesn't "Need" an Orgasm

What Does She Know About Sex that You Don't?