Wildflowers

Perfect Buds

The If-Busters

Late Bloomers

Early Bloomers

Living-Togethers

Sexual Explorers

Sexually Dissatisfied Wives

Overcoming Rejection

Why Sacrifice Pleasure?

A Way of Classifying Sexual Identity

How Pleasure-Claimers Get Better Orgasms

Some Observations from the Survey

Overcoming Rejection

"It began with rage. I'd been divorced two years before I got mad about what he'd put me through. I was numb, dead sexually-and then I got  mad at him. The kids  told me he and his new wife kept the bedroom door locked and made 'funny noises' in their room. I imagined him having sex with her in exquisite detail, and I was furious. Within a week I had bedded a stranger to get even with him. I kept that up for a while before I began to get healthy again. But, in a funny  way, I think the anger saved me. If I hadn't gotten so mad at him, I might  have remained  sexually dead."

-thirty-eighty-ear-old televisions producer.

            For this  woman, the spark igniting her was not the casual touch of another  person: It was  her own anger spewing flashes of heat and  light work a fourth of July sparkler, scorching  her skin and making the sexual  nerve endings come alive again. Hers is to an unusual experience. Many  women  report a sexual reawakening taking place only after they finally, got angry. Often the anger is not directed at the husband or ex-husband, but at themselves for  allowing his rejection to shut them down.

            "After I found out my husband  had been sleeping with his sister-in-law for something like eleven years, I went around in a protective fog,  feeling nothing, especially arousal, for nearly a  year," writes a Cleveland  management consultant. 'I wasn't jealous. I was  just stunned, cowed into this horrible state of accepting my own  undesirability.

            "He's always been able to do this to me to some extent. Withholding sex had been his primary means of controlling me. It is the most hideous form of control, because it leaves the other person doubting her ability to arouse. There is no more flat-out rejection than sexual rejection.

            "When I found out about the  two of them, the rejection was complete. I couldn't function sexually. I couldn't think sexual droughts.

            "I'll tell you what  finally snapped me out of it.  I got mad at myself for being so nice to him, so accommodating to his schedule and his personal needs while he was unconcerned that I had turned to stone. I got so mad, I told him I wanted a divorce. I wasn't thinking about sex at the time, about becoming sexually active again.

            "No, I just  knew I couldn't stay with someone who didn't  want me anymore. I hated myself for sleeping in the same bed with him at night when I took  steps to end the marriage, I began to feel better. But I didn't  feel sexual again until a  few months after the divorce.

            "I was chaperoning a class field  trip for the boy's school. In the bus I sat next to one of the fathers, also a chaperone. He was one of those  animated talkers who reaches out to touch your hand or arm when he makes a point. By the end of the  trip, I was feeling horny. That night  I masturbated  for the first time since I found out about  my husband's affair."

            Anger, perhaps the most difficult emotion for women to express, has led many women to make the positive, healthy changes they needed to make before they could become sexual again.

After the Spark

Whether the spark is generated by anger or the electricity of a sudden, unexpected the healing touch , it reawakens the sexual sleeper as surely as did the Prince's kiss placed softly on the bright red lips of  Snow White. But, unlike the fairy tale heroine, this reawakened woman isn't dewy-eyed  and trembling, waiting for a prince to make it all happen for her. This time around she's smarter.

            In the traditional myth of romantic love, a woman believes she must plan her life around  the man who sexually attracts her-particularly if she is very responsive to him. the myth  victimizes many women, but none so much as the women  who lose  pleasure  when they are rejected by "the one," the very one who was supposed to love her for the rest of her life.  Some women  are so totally devastated by the loss they never become sexual again. Those who do reawaken say they view  sex in a different way, as an integral part of their lives,  not as a mysterious power wielded by men.

            "I no longer  let sex determine  my decisions about  how I will live my life," explains a forty-two-year-old Texas waitress  and "unpublished short story writer" whose husband's desertion left her devoid of sexual feeling for five years. "I married him when I was seventeen. The lust I felt for him was something else. It had  the power of holy writ in my life. I would have followed him anywhere, done anything he asked, because I believed desire  was God's way of telling  you to do just that. I never looked at another man.

            "When he left, I felt like I didn't exist anymore.  I wondered why I wasn't dead."

            Her sexual reawakening began when  a regular customer hugged her the "simple hug" reminded her she was a sexual  being and  led to a "new openness to the sexual vibrations" in men around  her to get better orgasms. The first post-divorce relationship, however, was full of surprises, and  revelation for her.

            "For  the first time in my life, at age thirty-nine, I was having sex with a man and not thinking, "This is the love of my life," she says. "It blew my mind to discover I could have great sex with a man-and not have to plan my life around him.

            "And the sex was great. He did things  my husband would never do. I had my first oral orgasm with him. When he said, 'I want to eat you out,' I didn't know what he was talking about, but I said yes so he wouldn't think I was that naive. When he began to tongue my clitoris, I went wild.

            "But I never kidded myself  we were a match made  in heaven anywhere outside the bedroom. This represented real growth  for me. I only wish I had figured things out sooner  than I did."

            She was an early bloomer, who masturbated  at age ten and was orgasmic with her husband  even before they had  intercourse . Yet she still allowed the romantic  myth to limit her sexually for thirty-nine years.

Next >>

Sexual Victims

Discarded Women

The Clock Women

Independent Women

Revirginized Women

Monogamous Women

Second-Chance Women

Surviving the Droughts

Wives Who Have Affairs

The Saboteurs of Pleasure

Conclusion: Your Sexual Turning Point?

The Women Who Doesn't "Need" an Orgasm

What Does She Know About Sex that You Don't?