Wildflowers

Perfect Buds

The If-Busters

Late Bloomers

Early Bloomers

Living-Togethers

Sexual Explorers

Sexually Dissatisfied Wives

Overcoming Rejection

Why Sacrifice Pleasure?

A Way of Classifying Sexual Identity

How Pleasure-Claimers Get Better Orgasms

Some Observations from the Survey

Surviving the Droughts

“How has aging changed my sex life? Only in that there are fewer partners now than in the past. What would I change about men as lovers? I’d make them easier to find!”

-a thirty-eight-year-old Washington lobbyist

            Rare is the single woman who hasn’t experienced a sexual dry spell for one reason or another. Revirginizers may choose celibacy, but they have the option of changing their mind and also have a man in their lives who is begging them to do so. Somehow that lessens the negative psychological impact a dry spell can have on one’s ego. Women in their late thirties and early forties often find the first real drought as shocking as a drive into icy water, but not nearly as bracing. Women fifty and beyond say. “You get accustomed to it, but you never learn to love it.” Even married women experience the sexual drought. The challenge is surviving with one’s sexual self-esteem  intact.

            For  many women, the realization  they’re actually going through a drought dawns gradually.

            “When I was younger at early bloom, men  gave me appreciative glances no matter what I was wearing, including jeans or sweats.” writes a forty-five-year-old divorced Philadelphian. “In the past five years I’ve noticed I don’t get noticed unless I ‘m dressed up, preferably in a skirt above the knee, dark  stockings, and high heels. I still look good  in clothes, but the point  is I have to be in  the right clothes to get male attention.

            “I’ve also recently concluded, to my chagrin, that I’m no longer in the first line of attack at large parties either. You know what I mean. Men head for the most attractive women first-with the exception of the drop-dead-beautiful broads, who usually get ignored because they’re so intimidating, but how many of them exist outside the movies and TV any way?-then  fan out to the second  line from there. I am in the second line now. At lest I hope  it’s the second  line. I’m sure  it doesn’t go past three.

            “Several weeks ago I came home from a large cocktail reception without a single business card from a man interested in getting together  for a drink or dinner. That’s  never happened to me before. I remember the days when I cam home with a half dozen cards and tossed them into the  trash. How wasteful I was! This time , I had cards from five or six interesting women who wanted to get together for a drink. Everywhere I go there are great women, but where are the men? 

            “I’m forced to admit I haven’t had a sex partner in over a year because I am not attracting men the way I once did. I’ve been telling myself, and friends, I was being ‘choosy.’ The truth is really no one has asked.”

What Constitutes a Drought? 

For some women, sex weeks constitutes a very long dry spell. Others barely notice sex is missing from their  lives until their birth control pill prescription has long expired.  It’s less a measurable until of time than an attitude expressing how one feels  about the time lapse.

            Therefore, the answer to the survey question, “How often  do you have sex?” was less telling than it’s follow-up: “Is that satisfactory?”

  • Almost  one-third of all respondents wanted more sex than they were having, even it they were having  sex at a rate equal to or greater than statistical averages for women of their age and marital status.
  • More than 80 percent  of the women  who hadn’t  had sex in periods  ranging from two months to several years-about 11 percent  of the total-were dissatisfied with this lack of sexual activity in their  lives.  Many women scrawled:  “NO! Not satisfactory at all!”  and often underlined their words.

            For anyone but a revirginizer or a woman mired in gynecological problems a sexual  drought is not often a self-imposed period of denial in the face of partner options. As we get older, such a drought  is also less often a result of being choosy. Rather it is a result of not being chosen, which even happens to rule breakers sometimes.

            “I haven’t had a sex partner  in the past year,” writes a  fifty-year-old New Yorker. “I’m not happy about that at all. I miss  having sex. I miss being held  after ward. Human beings weren’t meant to live without physical contact.

            “Throughout my forties. I maintained a relationship with having affair a  younger married  man, which sustained me during  the increasingly longer dating lulls I experienced. He and his wife have moved to Europe, so he is out of my life for all practical purposes. I am  at the age now where sex is harder and harder to come by,  and I resent that.

            “It makes me sad, but I am  surviving. I masturbate. I keep myself in good shape, and I keep my eyes open.”

            Her survival strategy is the game plan of a woman who has a good attitude about sex and her own desirability, one who understands that  surviving the drought is primarily a matter of attitude and masturbation.

The Wrong Attitude

“I don’t feel attractive physically anymore,” writes a forty-nine-year-old  divorced secretary from the  Midwest who has not had a sexual relationship in four years.  “I am not fat and am reasonably fit thanks to a program of walking and bicycling.  But I have  the body  of a fit woman in her forties, which does not compare to the body of a fit  women  in her twenties or thirties.  I can’t afford plastic surgery to be like  Cher.

            “I don’t feel attractive. It turns  me off, and I’m sure it turns  men off too. Why should  they give me  a second look? It’s over for me.”

            A small, but bitterly vocal, minority of survey respondents express similar views about the effect of aging on their  ability to attract and arouse men. They believe sex is over at forty for all but women involved in loving  marriages or long-term relationships. Their attitude seems to be: No man could  find an older woman desirable  unless he is blinded by love or is a creature of habit. A sexual  drought reinforces their negative attitudes  about sex and aging.

            But,  the drought  can  have the same effect on younger women, too.

            “I’ve always been the woman who didn’t have a date for the important events, from high school on,” writes a thirty-five-year-old  St. Louis nurse. “I didn’t even  have a date for my own Sweet  Sixteen party, which killed my mother, who’s a tiny little thing,  a beauty even today. She died of embarrassment for me.

            “I love sex, but I don’t get the opportunity to have it often enough. I’ve had two long-term relationships with long dry spells between them. I don’t feel really alive unless I am sexually involved with a man.  So, most of my life is spent  not feeling really alive.”

            At this point, you can fill in the  cliches you’d  like to shout,  after the fashion of a sexual cheerleader, into her ears. If you feel sexy, you are sexy. You get back what you put out. You have to be excited to excite someone. If she believed them, perhaps the droughts would be shorter and certainly they would  be less painful. If she could understand the statistics are not in her favor,  perhaps she wouldn’t  blame herself for the long dry spells between partners. But, there would be still be droughts.

            Knowing how to handle droughts is one of a woman’s most important erotic  skills.

Next >>

Sexual Victims

Discarded Women

The Clock Women

Independent Women

Revirginized Women

Monogamous Women

Second-Chance Women

Surviving the Droughts

Wives Who Have Affairs

The Saboteurs of Pleasure

Conclusion: Your Sexual Turning Point?

The Women Who Doesn’t “Need” an Orgasm

What Does She Know About Sex that You Don’t?