Wildflowers

Perfect Buds

The If-Busters

Late Bloomers

Early Bloomers

Living-Togethers

Sexual Explorers

Sexually Dissatisfied Wives

Overcoming Rejection

Why Sacrifice Pleasure?

A Way of Classifying Sexual Identity

How Pleasure-Claimers Get Better Orgasms

Some Observations from the Survey

What Does She Know About Sex That You Don't? 

"The  quality of the  sex in our marriage had been disappointing me for a long time. I dressed up and took my husband out to dinner. In the restaurant I told him, 'Look, from now on sex is going to be for both of us, not just  you.' I was braced for a negative reaction. He was delighted. 'I've always been disappointed  that you weren't more interested in sex,' he said."

-forty-year-old Canadian wife

            At some point after her sexual epiphany, the pleasure claimer begins to own her sexuality. Even if she has never gone through a denial phase, she still reaches a point where she wants more, sexually, than the knowledge she can and will be orgasmic in most of her encounters. As she moves to a higher level of sexual enjoyment , the claiming pleasure stage, she is no longer sexually tentative, insecure, or selectively na´ve, if she ever had been.

            She wants to please her man, but not at the expense of her own pleasure. That he is most often happy with his changed attitude that leads her to take a more active role in sex often surprises her, though it shouldn't.

What She Knows About Male Sexuality?

Numerous research studies show men are more highly aroused by their partner's excitement than her erotic skills. The older they get or the longer a relationship endures, the greater is their need for active female participation. Few things give a man of any age more pleasure than bringing a woman to orgasm, preferably more than once.

            Pleasure claimers know the two most important things about men and sex:

  • The female orgasm is the new male performance indicator, the orgasm count replacing notches on the bedpost as proof of his virility.
  • Men do not know as much about female sexuality as women think they do. When women expect them to know automatically how to please them, they're expecting too much.

What She Knows Sexual Assertiveness?

According to men's magazine reader polls and other sources, a sexually assertive woman is most men's partner of choice. More responsive, more easily orgasmic than other women, an assertive woman is probably, but not necessarily, in her thirties, when her biology is responsible for an increase in sex drive. Whether she has multiple orgasms or not, she is orgasmic in most of her encounters. She is, of course, a pleasure claimer.

            Often more educated about both male and female sexuality than he is, the pleasure claimer doesn't expect her partner to "give" her orgasms. Rather, she helps him brings her to orgasm by showing and telling him what she needs. She also freely uses her own hand to stimulate her clitoris during intercourse when she needs to do so. Some women, especially early bloomers, reach this stage in which they fully claim their sexual pleasure before age thirty. Unfortunately, some women never do.

            A woman needs a certain level of confidence in her body's ability to become aroused and respond in orgasm before she can stand up for herself sexually. When she's worried about whether or not she'll be able to have an orgasm, she's not likely to get much more from sex than that orgasm. She isn't free enough to surrender to her own sexuality-to let her mind go so her body can follow.

What She Knows About Sexual Communication?

With confidence comes a greater ease in sexual communication. Many of the women I surveyed remember the first time they voiced their sexual needs to their partners-when it wasn't so easy.

            "I was thirty-two and divorced,' one woman wrote, "and I felt I had nothing to lose with this  particular man. I wasn't looking for another husband yet. So, I asked him to the healing touch me where I wanted to be touched. The sex was the best I'd had up to then. That taught me an important lesson: Ask! Men love it! I love it! When I think of all those years I wasted sending my husband mental signals he didn't  pick up.."

            Another said: "The first time I asked a man if he would perform cunnilingus on me, I almost died of embarrassment. But he quickly, and happily, received me."

            Only a few women reported negative reactions from their partners to their direct sexual requests. One woman followed the advice in a magazine article that said "Don't discuss sex in the bedroom." She told her husband over morning coffee that she wasn't getting the clitoral stimulation she needed during intercourse , and he accused her of "critiquing" his performance. I don't know why some experts advise talking about sex while fully clothed and in any other room of the house than the bed room. The men I surveyed said they  want a  woman to tell them what she needs while they're in bed together making love, not while they are folding the laundry together or driving to his mother's house for dinner.

            Pleasure claimers can ask for what they  want without  sounding like they're either demanding or criticizing. They can also separate sex  from other  aspects of a relationship, including love, which we've been told women just  can't do. Sex is a priority for them. They don't stop wanting sex because the husband doesn't his share of the chores or the boyfriend won't commit. The stories of pleasure claimers in the next three chapters will show you how they do it.

            "My husband and I have drawn invisible lines around the bed," writes a monogamous wife of twenty years. "The rest of our life stays outside the lines."

            A happily single woman writes: "It's just so much b.s. that women can't make love without being in love. I'm tired of  the sentimentality and hypocrisy! Every act of sex, even between married people, is not a holy  consecration of love."

            You would expect the pleasure claimer to have a better sex life than other women. She may also have better relationships, because she doesn't expect to get all her needs met through sex. She doesn't use sex. Nor does she regard sexual pleasure as something that "happens" to her, that is, as something men make happen to her.

            Without apology or waiting for consent, she claims her own pleasure. Married or single, so can you.

Sexual Victims

Discarded Women

The Clock Women

Independent Women

Revirginized Women

Monogamous Women

Second-Chance Women

Surviving the Droughts

Wives Who Have Affairs

The Saboteurs of Pleasure

Conclusion: Your Sexual Turning Point?

The Women Who Doesn't "Need" an Orgasm

What Does She Know About Sex that You Don't?